Many of us have been heavily influenced by the cultural definition of sex = penetration. “Foreplay” is considered all the stuff you might do to get to the penetration. Oh and let’s not forget the other part of this cultural model – once the erection is gone, sex is over. Well, that is only one model of sex and, come to find out, it is a pretty limiting one. Great sex can include intercourse, or not, it can start with “foreplay” or finish with “foreplay”, it can include one person orgasming right away and one person later, or not at all. There is no real reason for sex to start in one way and end in another – we have completely made that up. Our bodies are available for physical pleasure and our minds and hearts stay available for closeness and connection whether there is an erection in the room or not. And men, in case you are wondering about your own satisfaction without an erection, did you know that you can still orgasm without an erection? Your penis still feels sensation and pleasure.
Let’s try this: sex = playing, touching, licking, laughing, connecting, rubbing, kissing, talking, looking, in any order or selection you and your partner feel like that day.
Myth 4: Toys are for when you don’t have a partner.
Certainly sex toys are great for when you don’t have a partner available. And many people’s time between relationships has been improved by the growing selection of sex toys out there. However, toys work just as well when you use them as part of play with a partner and they can open up whole new ways to be sexual with each other. They can allow some people who learned to orgasm masturbating with a toy, to share their orgasm with their partner for the first time and possibly to learn new paths to orgasm with different types of stimulation. Toys can allow for experimentation and discussion of what feels good where; they are a great learning tool.
Also, masturbating privately, even when you have a partner, can enhance your sexuality with your partner. How could that be? Well, sexual satisfaction and orgasms can serve to increase your libido and to keep sex on your mind. If you know how to satisfy yourself, it is empowering and that feels sexy. Also for many people, knowing how to bring themselves to orgasm feels like a learned skill and, like other skills, practice can make it easier.
Can sex toys do things that the human body can’t provide? Sure, some of them offer very intense stimulation but that is no reason to make them the enemy. Including sex toys and mutual masturbation in your partnered relationship can enhance your sex life by opening new doors and also by letting your sexual pleasure be more out in the open, more self empowered and more fun to share.
Myth 5: Scheduling sex is unsexy.
We’ve got a half hour if you rush in the door after your hour long commute and I wash up after taking the dog for a walk but before I sit down to pay bills and you scrape together dinner. Ugh, not sexy. Trying to cram sex in to a busy schedule is hard to feel sexy about. However, scheduling time to have a relaxed sexual encounter can be very sexy and great for your love life.