Melanie Gorman (MA)
Sex, like politics is one of ...
MY RECENT COMMENTS
Amanda, These are amazing questions. The thing that's so powerful about them is that you're asking them before you're in *too* deep to recover. I have always believed that if you are to live your "best life" that one of the most important lessons is to avoid experiences that you can't recover from. Getting pregnant or saying you're happy w/o kids when in fact you're not, are two examples of scenarios that people get into that bite them in a big way later on. So bravo for asking these hard questions before you're in a quagmire of regret. Here's my take on the three: You ask: How long can two people love each other before they've got to get on the same page about the big, DNA-sharing life goals? In terms of "can", I think you can love someone forever and not be on the same page about big life issues. Love is a chemical mystery that's not always tied to the logical part of our brain that tells us what we want from life. We may love someone who is totally wrong for us and it's just love. It's not right or wrong, it just is. It just may not be the kind of love that can live out a lifetime. I can tell you this... if in your heart you feel some pull towards being a mother, there is a part of you that wants to explore that experience. Being with a man who is clear that he doesn't want kids is a problem because one of you will have to change for it to work. What you don't want is to get to the end of your days with a regretful heart that you made some choice that you wish was different in hindsight. Now that said, you have to also give your guy the chance to explore what he wants. While kids may not be on his radar now, it may be something that he would be open to at a later time. You two need to have a series of non-confrontational, exploratory conversations about your future. Where do you want to live? Do you want to "settle", "nest" or be more of a free spirit? Where are your parents, do you feel a pull to return to your roots? Does he? Where do you see your careers taking you? Is it the same place or different? Things like this... Start this conversation in a light way that is more about exploring where you two independently want to be in say 5, 10, 25 years and see if those things seem to line up. You can dive into more sensitive topics as you talk. At what age should the baby question be a dating deal breaker? I don't think it's an age but more of a mindset. If you're an absolute "yes" and he's an absolute "no", you have your answer. How am I supposed to figure out if motherhood's for me? The only thing that can answer this question is time. As you grow and your friends/siblings get married, have kids and settle down, you'll be more affected by the experience. Start to talk to other moms in your life... what's their life like? Can you see yourself in this same boat? As a mom I can tell you that nothing prepares you for the experience of motherhood; it's a mind-blowing, life changing and heart exploding event that's more like a boot camp than a vacation. It's wonderful and hard and something that's not for wimps. And for me, it's an experience that I would move heaven and earth to have; but I never knew that until I met my son. :) Keep on this track and keep asking yourself these questions. Before you can pin your guy down, you need to give some deeper thought to what you want. And there's time, so no need to push too hard. Thanks for the post, I loved reading it and truly appreciate where you are in life. Enjoy the freedom to explore and dive into what will really make you happy. Cheers! Melanie