Sick Of Whiners In Your Life?

By

Sick Of Whiners In Your Life?

No one likes a whiner. Fewer people like complainers. And even fewer like those who give ultimatums because their whining and complaining hasn't worked.

If you traced the evolution of a complaint, it would likely look something like this: unmet expectations lead to dissatisfaction, which leads to complaints, which lead to attempts to resolve the complaint, which fail, leading to more complaining, which leads to terrible frustration, which leads to threats if things don't change, which leads to ultimatums, which finally lead to consequences. The issue for most of us is that we can tolerate a lot of complaining. Rarely are we frustrated enough to act out our ultimatums because frankly, we're afraid of the consequences.

 

The problem is, when someone gets stuck in this cycle, the end result is often an unhappy, negative person, and in my opinion, there are far too many of those folks around. In my work with the MarsVenus organization, I trained coaches on a technique I called the "Rock and the Hard Place." We often used this exercise when a client discussed feeling in this complaining cycle and being unable to see how to get out of it.

Whatever the details of the client's individual story, the template was always the same: the client was usually mad, hurt, stuck and feeling powerless to change things. These feelings often stemmed from a fear (or fears) about what might happen if they insisted on getting what they wanted. For example, "If I force him to commit to me, will he say yes? Or will he leave?" Or, "If I insist on a review from my boss, will they see the good things I've done or just discuss the bad things?" When someone was stuck in this cycle, the fear of negative consequences was usually enough to keep the client stuck and unfortunately enhance their sense of powerlessness.

From a coaching perspective, if someone stays stuck like this too long, they begin to lose their sense of personal power. Their sense of being able to control their world is shaken a bit because ultimately, our self-esteem is built on our track record of actions. If we teach ourselves through inaction that we can't have the things we want, we begin to believe that's just how life is.

To change this, we have to adjust how we navigate this cycle. Here are seven steps you can take to stop this habit and regain some of your personal power:

1. Figure out why you're complaining. Often unmet expectations are the root of the problem. These expectations may be issues, values or beliefs you've never examined that lie at the heart of your dissatisfaction. Ask yourself what expectation you have about how the situation "should" be handled and compare that to what's really happening. Any discrepancies will help explain why you're unhappy.

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Melanie Gorman

Business Coach

Melanie Gorman, M.A.

SR. VP YourTango Experts

http://www.yourtango.com

www.twitter.com/melanie360

Melanie@yourtango.com

Phone: 410-923-6905

Location: Crownsville, MD
Credentials: MA
Specialties: Career, Communication Problems, Empowering Women
Other Articles/News by Melanie Gorman:

Despite Popular Belief, Monogamy DOES Work

By , , , ,

With the hookup culture on the rise, being in a faithful and monogamous relationship doesn't seem to be the norm these days. Instead, a lot of people compare the idea of a committed relationship to being trapped because you can't go out and "explore". In fact, many have this notion that monogamy is pretty much the end of your sex ... Read more

How To Keep The Sparks Alive In Your Marriage

By , , , ,

So, it's safe to assume that we all know that movies can be pretty unrealistic at times, especially when it comes to love and romance. But for some reason, knowing that doesn't stop us from comparing our own relationships to the ones that we see on the big screen. After being married for so long, it can be incredibly hard to acknowledge the changes ... Read more

Here's The Secret To Making Your Marriage Last

By , , , ,

There's no question that all relationships take work. Even though it's a really hard thing to hear, we sometimes have to realize that simply loving someone isn't enough to make a marriage last. You could care for someone with all of your heart and still have issues in your marriage that you wished you could work out without rocking the boat. What ... Read more

See More

 
PARTNER POSTS
Latest Expert Videos
ASK YOURTANGO MORE QUESTIONS
Most Popular