2. Look at your pattern for seeking help, and change it. If you're someone who reads self-help books, watches Oprah religiously and reads every relationship magazine on the newsstand, take a break from all of the advice. Trust that in all the years that you've been looking for love that something has actually sunk in. When you need it, it will be there. Likewise, if you're someone who never asks for help, try asking for some. Find a mentor, trusted friend, coach or author to teach you how to create the life you want. Let this person serve as a role model for how to live a confident life.
3. Give love back to other people, places or pets. Put yourself in the role of giving to others. Volunteer at a shelter, help build a Habitat for Humanity project, foster a pet or take care of a sick relative. Take your focus off yourself and consciously place it on others. Over time, you'll find that by giving to others they will give back to you. Sometimes this "give-back" happens directly in the form of affection or words, and other times you're simply given the opportunity to be in a more generous, loving place. Either way, the experience will remind you what real love is like, and help to strengthen your resolve when potential suitors give you less. It will become much easier to let go of relationships that are "not good enough" once you've experienced one that is.
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4. Give yourself a makeover. You don't have to spend a ton to do this, but changing your look can do wonders to how you "see" yourself. Get a haircut, try a new color, invest in a new seasonal wardrobe (try Goodwill, they have tons there), paint your nails or change your makeup. Do something to physically change your outward appearance and try on this new "less fearful" you.
5. Give the judge and jury in your head a rest. Every court in the country takes time off even if only for snow days and scheduled vacation. Give the men in black robes in your head a month off. Create a mantra to say to yourself when you hear them speak up. Simply repeat "you're on vacation, I'll talk to you next month" when they begin to call. If you can't settle the voices down, do something. Physical activity of any kind can help distract you from yourself. Play music, wash the dishes, turn on the TV, go for a hike, call a friend; remove your attention from what you're thinking and do something so you're less likely to fall into the trap of obsessing about things that are negative.
Try one of these ideas to get started, or try them all for a deeper impact.
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Desperate people have to change something in their mind to reset their engines. No one wants to be the friend who is constantly in need of reassurance or perpetually afraid that they'll die alone. Just remember that it takes time and it's normal for your fearful feelings to come back in spades when you're back in the dating scene. That's just life giving you a chance to try out your new, more confident self.