Diaries of a Traveling Tantrika ~ 'Not so Sexy'

 

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     Really, no one seemed angry or resentful with me except, of course, for myself.  Deeply shaken, I was swimming somewhere between angry, confused and embarrassed for my own reaction.  After all, I had requested from Matthew his willingness in the creation of this situation!  It was what I wanted, and yet, this was just not at all how this was supposed to feel!  I reacted as if a violation had occurred…, as if this was all unexpected!  Shame and humiliation filled me.  It’s not that I felt jealous, although I’m not above that suffering by any means.  It all just occurred way too fast for me, without my presence or consent, regardless of all of us being within the same room.  Somehow, the sharing and togetherness we had all initially created, was done.  Now, I just felt a kind of pressure to ‘keep up’.  Why did I want this in the first place?  Why was I doing this to Matthew and I?

 

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