This writing is an up close, personal and intimate reflection of my life experiences and journeys into Self discovery. I have been working as a Tantrika, or ‘Sacred Sexual Healer’ for over five years now, and there’s quite a rich story to tell
My nature and ways of walking within this world has shifted so dramatically that I am deeply inspired to share with you.
Perhaps you may experience and learn vicariously through my words.
Perhaps you may avoid some unnecessary folly
Or maybe these writings may bring to you a kind of ‘permission’ to move into the journeys that are yours, that you’ve felt afraid of, in the knowing that you are not alone.
Enjoy! I welcome all of your thoughts, feelings, comments and questions. You, my readers, are so very special to me, because you give me the motivation to enjoy my own integrations through these writings. So much love and honor.
4/12/10 ‘Not So Sexy’
I was drunk on red wine, and for quite some time, had forgotten of Matthew’s presence completely as I melted into the kisses and sweet caress of my newfound love, Stephen. His steely, gentle blues encouraged exploration beyond the physical trace of his full lips, his tongue, and the wisdom of his touch. I gently pulled his blonde locks back behind his ear, beaming admiringly as I stroked his jawline and kissed his cheeks. Our breath playfully met, blissfully dancing within emergent rhythms, while his embrace contained the familiarity of lifetimes. I wanted him. I desired to know his soul, to obtain his valiance, to be within his experience. I so much loved being seen and adored by Stephen, feeling delightfully elated within the gift of these delicious moments together.
Yet my enjoyment shifted completely when i suddenly heard moans from just a few feet away, and my focus startled abruptly away from this beautiful man in front of me. In a dazed and drunken panic, I stared up, heart pounding and wide-eyed, as the raw reality of what was happening rushed into me with an emotional tidal wave upon hearing their pleasure. Startled into sobriety, time stopped, and I realized my dear partner Matthew, was already on the bed making love to Sarah, Stephens wife!
“No, no, WAIT,…Matthew!” My despair was barely audible as my throat closed and my heart sank deep within my chest. I jumped from my seat on the floor, and desperately reached my hand across the bed in attempts to reconnect with him. He reached to me, still making love to Sarah, with a look of heartrending understanding,… and there, we held each-others gaze. Although we felt and understood each other in the moment, the intensity of my emotion overrode any objectivity and propelled me to escape. I was naked on every level, and suddenly, very uncomfortably aware of it. Grabbing the closest blanket, I ran from the bedroom, throwing my-self down on the couch, shaky, frightened and sobbing.
A concerned Stephen came following after me, soon followed by Sarah and Matthew. Fortunately, everyone was deeply present, compassionate and understanding with my feelings. Stephen sweetly held and comforted me, explaining that everything was alright, and that this was a completely natural reaction. I trusted