Contrary to popular belief, a (reformed!) player can make an ideal husband.
Former Rolling Stone writer and author Neil Strauss buried his alter-ego, Style, The Pickup Artist (PUA) last week in a Hollywood Cemetery. The ceremony was complete with a headstone, coffin, and eulogies as Neil defined a decidedly new type of bachelor party. He surrendered that old part of himself to make room for his new role as he married Ingrid De La O, August 31, in Malibu. All of the details can be found on TMZ's article, "My Single Life Is Dead".
My first reaction was that "Style" cannot die. You can deny and repress yourself, I thought, but it never goes away. Everything Neil learned over ten years of sarging (chasing after women) has surely not been erased from his mind. If Neil enters into a "traditional marriage", I thought, he must have a higher than average chance of a "traditional ending" — divorce.
But after a weekend of reflection, I changed my mind. I don't think that is going to happen; instead, I believe Neil is going to have a happy marriage.
I came up with three reasons why you should look for a quality pickup artist (PUA) as a husband. In my coaching practice, I have found the the greatest threat to a marriage is a lack of communication of desires, which ultimately leads to boredom. Combine boredom with feelings of being taken advantage of after years of being tied to one relationship, and you have a perfect storm that leads to infidelity and divorce. Here are the top three reasons you should consider marrying a PUA yourself.
1. A Clear Definition Of Marriage
Neil already knows about the pitfalls of marriage; I am sure he has discussed potential ways to keep his union fresh and exciting with his wife and I imagine there will not be anything traditional about it! Most couples, however, have never actually discussed what "marriage" means to them. What are each partner's expectations? What values and qualities are set in stone and which are flexible?
If Neil and Ingrid were to be contestants on "The Wedding Game", their answers would no doubt be spot-on. We would be amazed at how well they know each other. Now, I know they did not have a fairy tale love story. Instead, they're writing a new plot for a new generation. A highly evolved man meets a self-confident, successful women and they do the work to build a life together. If you and your partner were going to write out your "marriage contract" separately, how close would your answers be? Those difference are the keys to finding any spark that might be missing.
So how can a PUA better define marriage? They're so used to living a wild and free life, that when they decide to "settle down", it's because they've truly considered what it means to be committed.
You cannot be a pick up artist without talking to women. The first part of any PUA's training is learning "routines" or stories to share with potential dates. The stories are laced with examples of the PUA's values that demonstrate why he is a great person to be with. It's easy to criticize someone for telling a made-up story, but that is why we go to the movies — to experience and be entertained by fiction. The PUA becomes a better person when he eventually starts to seek out real experiences that reinforce the values of being a good person. They actually become interesting and communicative.The canned material is eventually replaced with real life. When the story is real, the teller gets better at sharing them.
Marriages tend to languish after you stop sharing your desires, fantasies and dreams with your partner. That's why it can be great to be in a relationship with someone who's excited about communicating all of that, and does so in an engaging way.
What are your values? Think of a story — real or made-up — that shares how you live your values. Share it with your partner. Ask for 100 percent of their attention until you finish. Then give them 100 percent of your attention. Learning to share fun moments like this makes it much easier to share the more difficult things in life.
3. He Just "Gets" You — Because He's Worked Hard To
I was married for five years when I first heard about Neil’s book, The Game. I got married with the same intentions as everyone else — to stay in love and never get divorced. Five years later, as things were going south, I remembered my commitment and started learning everything I could about women, how they think, what they say they want... and what they really want. All of this hard work saved my marriage and made me the relationship and marriage coach I am today.
We are programed to feel shame surrounding our sexuality. Information about healthy sexuality is limited, sources are sketchy and most learning is messy trial-and-error at the cost of suitcases full of emotional baggage.
A PUA has to first deal with his own baggage and then learn how to overcome that of the women in which he is interested. He's a master at understanding the intricacies of the human nature, desires and needs. If you are in a relationship or married, there are clearly long-term benefits to understanding or "mastering" the opposite sex. Do you feel like your partner has landmines that you keep accidentally tripping over? Do you wish you could avoid, or better yet, detect and diffuse them? After you master understanding, the rest of the work is done through communication.
I have a hunch that Neil and Ingrid have done a lot more personal development work than I originally gave them credit for. And for his loyal fans, we don't have to worry about feeling bored: he has already hinted that his marriage will have many more surprises in store!
If you feel bored in your marriage, as if nothing just feels right or exciting anymore, you can easily find three solutions over the phone with Matthew today. Click my calendar to schedule a free 15 minute brainstorming session now!
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