Dan asked: A friend of mine brought your site to my attention, and I find myself reading it to gain a woman's perspective on things. It's a very enjoyable read. That being said, I have a couple of questions regarding dating and approaching women:
When I'm out with my friends, and I notice someone I want to talk to who is surrounded by her friends, I get kind of nervous and don't know what to say. I usually end up talking to the woman I think is most inviting, whether she's smiling the most or just gives off a warm vibe. I tend to shy away from women who seem a little more closed off, even if they are the ones I really want to talk to. I asked a friend of mine who is a successful entrepreneur in her late 30s for her opinion on the topic and she said she felt the same way about men. I didn't know how to respond. My question is: do women unintentionally shy away from talking to someone new, even if they are open to connecting with someone? Do your readers have any advice for me, or do they feel the same way? Thanks again for your time. Dan
Happy to help! Starting an intimate relationship involves several factors: setting an intention, attraction, availability, and then making contact. I think if we address the first few, the last one will be far easier to navigate.
Attraction & Setting An Intention
Sounds like you want to connect, and while you're attracted to the more closed-off types, you end up talking with the women who are open and warm. This brings me to your question: Do women unintentionally shy away from talking to someone new, even if they are open to connecting with someone? You can see clearly that some women are open to connecting, just not the ones you seem to be attracted to, right? So the real question is: How do I connect with women who don't seem open and approachable?
It's true that women generally feel safer engaging with someone familiar and some women are just more open, outgoing, and engaging than others. Now that we know some women are more open than others, let me ask you this: why would you want to connect with a closed-off person versus an open and warm one? And what attracts you to the closed-off types? Do you think their air of unavailability makes them more discerning, which is more desirable to you, or maybe because they don't automatically warm to you they become somehow more attractive? These are all good questions, especially when it comes to setting intention, because we want to be as clear as we can.
For example, you might say to yourself: I would like to meet someone that I'm attracted to who is open and warm almost immediately when she sees me, or I want to meet someone that has an air of aloofness but when she sees me relaxes and becomes obviously open to me approaching her.
You might be thinking 'Hey, this is ridiculous', but let me tell you something — the clearer we are about what we want, the easier it will be to create it! Think about it. When you bought your car or picked a school, you had a list of preferences, right? The same is true for relationships. It's just a little different language. Try it. You will be blown away because it works like a charm! Sure, it takes some practice, but being good at anything almost always does.
To re-cap: Get clear on what type of person you are attracted to and want to be with. Imagine it, see it then let go. Go out and pay attention for it to show up!
Another critical factor in starting a relationship involves a person's availability. There are a few keys to keep in mind:
- Most women who are available and want to be approached will let you know it. There are a few basic cues to watch for: prolonged eye contact or not being able to maintain eye contact but looking back again and again to see if you are looking at them, moving into your two-foot proximity, brushing near or against you gently, touching you, licking their lips, playing with their hair, and laughing are a few.
- On the other hand, those who are either not interested or are already involved with someone keep their sexual energy to themselves. That is to say, even if someone finds you attractive they will not hold your gaze for an inappropriate period or in general give you any vibe other than a clean, sisterly one (which could explain a few of the incidents you experienced with some women you encountered). Another category worth mentioning here: the type of person that finds you attractive but is truly very shy, can't seem to make any contact, and is hoping you will have the courage to. In cases like this, should this shy or aloof type of person truly interest you, you will need to find the courage to break the ice! Which leads us to…
Statistically, most successful relationships begin as a result of a referral, friend or family member, or by way of an institution such as the workplace, school, gym or club. Meeting people randomly you have no pre-existing connection with is tougher. As women in general feel safer meeting someone they are at least familiar with, have seen before, know someone they know, and have seen around, etc. As you have seen some people are simply more open; they may have the same concerns but for some reason feel more confident.
Here are a few ice-breakers for you to try out to help gain more confidence:
- The authentic and sincere approach: "Hi, my name is Dan and I wanted to introduce myself," "How are you today?" Or "What brings you out?" Sometimes the best approach is just the most sincere and authentic! No clever little routine, just "Hi, my name is…what's yours?"
- The weather report: This is a tried-and-true socially acceptable ice-breaker guaranteed to at least see if there's any glimmer of interest; "Nice day, right?" or "I am so glad it's not raining again today!" "I can't wait to get out on my bike/board/boat…"
- The offering: Sometimes we find ourselves in the position to make contact by offering our service or something to someone that's generous but not inappropriate; "Can I get the door for you, an umbrella, carry your groceries in the rain, hold the elevator door, get you a drink at a party?" All lovely gestures expressing your generosity and hospitality, with no strings attached, of course!
It is our nature to want to be connected and intimate. We are relational creatures, thus social animals. That said, I recommend you keep your slick and syrupy lines on the shelf unless they are just really who you are. Sarcasm and disrespectful or lewd comments are offensive and, honestly, not the best way to start a relationship of any kind!
Hope this was helpful and keep us posted! Anyone else who wants to reply to Dan's request can email us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
More dating advice from Yourtango:
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- 8 Modern Dating Rules Every Single Should Know
- 10 Dating Tips I Wish I'd Followed While I Was Single