"I’ve been married for six months and my best friend just came to live with us for a while since he lost his job. I just found out that my wife used to date him and while I’m not totally comfortable with this, I am going on location for a few weeks as I am an actor and will be leaving them alone. My wife is a gorgeous model and honestly would be hard for anyone to resist but I’m just hoping she can. Should I say anything before I leave?" -Fingers Crossed in L.A. Feeling Tempted To Call An Ex?
Hmmm, actors, models, L.A., and marriage. Your best bet is to speak now or you’ll be forever holding your Oscar instead of your wife. Here are three realistic concerns for you to consider:
1. You’re just finding out about their past dating after he moves in, that’s not too weird, right?
2. You don’t seem to trust either your wife or your best friend.
3. You might be projecting; that is, you might not be able to resist your wife’s unemployed best friend that you used to date but neglected to mention it until she moved in.
Wake up and smell the statistics of marriages in California and do everything you can to avoid being one of them! Start by talking it through with your wife. You committed to love, honor, and respect each other. The first year can be especially rocky as we leave our single selves and all our history behind. Just hold her hand, tell her the truth and take the next step which might be to move your friend and temptation to a nearby hotel.
"I have been with my wife for 14 years and married for 12. We've had an open relationship for most of our life together and everything seemed to be fine except for the last 3 years. She has been spending more time with this one man and it’s causing a strain on our relationship. When I asked her nicely to cut back, she would play it off and find reasons to spend more time with him. I started getting more firm about them spending less time together. She said that I was driving her into his arms and things got worse from there." What Rush Limbaugh Can Learn From Eleanor Roosevelt
"I said that if we were going to work things out, he would have to be out of our lives. He finally left and things got much better. Then, she recently came up with a reason to talk to him again and said I had nothing to worry about. Soon, we were right back to having the same troubles. I love my wife, faults and all and will never give up hope that we can make things work. I will always try but I just don’t know what to do." -Kevin
The thing about relationships is, as Drew Barrymore once said so eloquently, “You’re not the only one in it,” so no matter how gung-ho you are about doing whatever it takes to make this one work until you both are on the same page, your open marriage will feel more like an open wound as time goes on. You say you love your wife "faults and all." Are you saying that she can have sex with other people just as long as she doesn’t get attached? If she does, is that a fault? Sounds like you might want to revisit your definition of commitment and open marriage, together.
While in theory, open marriages sound good, they are difficult to navigate even for the most sophisticated creatures without crystal-clear agreements and understanding. I would say a consciousness agreement is in order. You need a written document that you both create that spells out your relationship "declarations" and sets your relationship up for success! (Click here for more information about consciousness agreements.) While men and women are wired slightly differently when it comes to sex, emotionally speaking, we are all in the same boat when it comes to attachment. I suggest you get on the same page or boat. If not, you’ll soon become two ships passing in the night no matter how much hope you have.
So, to sum all of these up: Stop, drop, and roll. Get with your significant other and tell the truth with all your heart!
To Read Great Sex Advice:
- The Best Sex Advice on YourTango
- 6 Condoms To Rev Your Sex Life From Ho-Hum To Woo-Hoo!
- How To Practice Mindfulness During Sex