I was feeling stressed — and then I calmed down.
I received a precious gift this morning. I woke at 5:11 a.m. I got up. The wood stove in the living room still had a thick bed of glowing coals from the wood Peter had put on at 3 a.m. I sat next to it, in the little rocking chair in my new thick, warm wool sweater and wrapped my legs in a blanket. In the darkness with my eyes closed, I opened my heart in gratitude to Creation without words. I offered my will to align with the will of Divine Oneness. I felt a sweet appropriate humility and I was aware of a spaciousness, a timelessness that seemed to extend out. It was peace.
I was embraced in the Peace and the vibrant stillness. No thoughts or concepts intruded at all. A few times my body gently convulsed as it frequently does, when the mind is utterly still and timeless space seems to embrace me.
I became curious about whether time had passed. Had it only been minutes? I had no clear sense of time at all in the stillness. I reached for my watch and saw that it was a few minutes after 6 a.m. There was still time before starting the day.
I closed my eyes again and the stillness absorbed me once again in peace.
The next time I opened my eyes, I noticed the room was much lighter. Daylight was coming in the windows. I checked my watch and saw that it was now 6:30 am. My heart expanded in gratitude; I had never before known such extended ease-filled stillness.
I began my day in the usual way, but the stillness had not left me. I had been wanting to remove some book darts from a book I had read previously to use in A Course in Miracles which I am currently reading. I grabbed A New Earth by Eckhart Toole. I opened it to a book dart marked page and read this:
"The thought forms of 'me' and 'mine, of 'more than' of 'I want,' 'I need,' 'I must have,' and of 'not enough' pertain not to content but to the structure of the ego. The content is interchangeable. As long as you don’t recognize those thought forms within yourself, as long as they remain unconscious, you will believe in what they say; you will be condemned to acting out those unconscious thoughts, condemned to seeking and not finding –because when those thought forms operate, no possession, place, person, or condition will ever satisfy you. No content will satisfy you as long as the egoic structure remains in place. No matter what you have or get, you won’t be happy. You will always be looking for something else that promises greater fulfillment, that promises to make your incomplete sense of self complete and fill that sense of lack you feel within."
Wow; how perfect was that, in response to the awareness that had been surfacing for a number of days of how I believe in ‘Lack’: Lack of time, Lack of energy, Lack of funds, Lack of resources, Lack of ability.
As the day went on, the objective was to do some Christmas Shopping in Portland for my granddaughter. This was the perfect scenario for my usual 'lack' programs to surface. Instead, the inner stillness continued and in its presence I watched as the ego's story of lack would try to surface, but just couldn’t gain traction. I would pick up things that seemed at first to be attractive, but then just didn’t have the pull they usually would. I found a few things which truly felt 'right.' I did not spend as much as I usually would. But I felt no sense of Lack. Just a rightness, a peacefulness, a fulfillment.
What a sweet gift. Peace. I think this is the Peace this season is meant to celebrate.