Trapped in the friend zone? Here's how to get out!
How many women are in your lesbian friend zone? Are you approaching dating like you're looking for friends? It's a woman thing I know but it's deadly in the long run. We want to be friends with everyone: our ex girlfriends, their ex's, our ex's ex's, ex-husbands, ex-boyfriends and their girlfriends and the list goes on.
This sometimes OCD behavior leaks over into the lesbian dating zone. You think the way to find love is to approach everyone as your friend first. You think, let's be friends first and then we'll be lovers if I like you enough as a friend and if there's chemistry. You are sort of saying something like that and it sort of sounds right. It sort of sounds like a sensible thing to do. But is it?
The honest truth is that my friends are my friends because I don't want them as lovers and never will. When I'm looking for a lover, I'm looking for something very different than friendship and I bring a really different presence to that connection.
You have really different rules for friends than you do for lovers. You can be a friend because you don't take them home with you every night and when you're tired of them, you can leave wherever you are and go do something you want to do. One of the joys of friendship is that you want to see them again, spend time with them again, and you're friends are the folks that stick with you when your girlfriend or partner leaves.
Can You Hide That You're Attracted To Your Lesbian Friend?
Honestly, I don't do well with hanging out with a lesbian who really turns me on and having to act okay with just being a friend. It will get messy. If there is a "do not enter" sign posted in front of a woman I really want to date, I'm gonna find something else to do with my time instead of torturing myself wanting something I can't have. I don't know about you, but that's me. Life is complicated enough and I hate making something more complicated than it needs to be. I'll admit that as lesbians we are really good at making everything super complicated.
You Can't Put Every Women You Meet In The Lesbian Friend Zone!
Gay girls spend far too much time spinning our wheels trying to be just friends with women who want to be our lovers or with women we want to be our lovers who want to just be friends. You fantasize that maybe she'll come around so you play a game with just how honest you are about what you really want. What a big waste of time and energy.
Many women are stuck because they are in this game. You love your friend, not in the friend way, but in the lover way. It's pretty clear you'll never have her as a lover, so you can't have what you want. Instead you torture yourself every day by spending time with her and being happy with the crumbs of a real relationship.
Do You Want To Date or Do You Want To Find Friends?
I think you are doing yourself a huge disservice by playing the friends-first card with every lesbian you meet. Here is what happens…Imagine you are out on a date with a woman you really like. She is not looking at you as a friend if she accepted the date from you in the first place. You do understand this, right?
If you approach a date with the attitude of, "we are going to be friends" then what you bring to the date is your B game. You are playing it safe. Dating is not about being safe! To find love you have to risk your heart.
You show up with friend energy not date energy. You lay back, you hide out, you don't explore as much, and you don't engage her heart. You don't flirt. You've got to engage her heart in order to win her heart. You hold back your desires, feelings and emotions. You are basically in your head during the entire date, just being a good guy and probably agreeing with everything she says.
By Playing It Safe You Get Exactly What You Fear Most, You Get Put In The Lesbian Friend Zone.
Everything we do in life is driven by our mindset. Dating is all about mindset. The women I know that feel good about dating and meeting that special woman have amazingly positive mindsets about themselves and about dating.
Regardless of the terminology, when you're out on a date it's all about your mindset and how you interact with the woman. It's all about your eye contact, your smile, and touching her hand across the table as she's telling a story.
Bringing your A game means letting go of playing safe and really being yourself so she opens up to being attracted to you. If you do nothing on a date except think and think and think, then guess what? You will never create any type of sexual attraction, because a woman will see that you are in your own head.
When You're Totally In Your Own Head, You Can't Get Into Her Heart
So, how do you do this? How do you stay out of your own head, tap into your emotions and trust yourself to the moment? You must stay present. You listen to her stories. You smile. Maybe you hold her hand. There is no right or wrong time to hold someone's hand. You do it when you feel it and of course she accepts the gesture. You use rapport building skills, like subtly mirroring the speed of her speech, how she crosses her legs, smile when she smiles and take a sip of your drink when she does. This creates a subtle rhythm that creates connection.
Do This Two-Part Exercise To Tap Into Your Emotions And Differentiate Between Friend And Lover Emotions
Part 1: Think about one of your best friends and in your mind tell them how you feel about them. How does that feel in your body? Where do you feel it?
Describe what it feels like to be friends with this person. What does it feel like from your perspective?
Then imagine what it feels like to be friends with yourself.
Describe what it feels like to really reach deep inside yourself and see who you really are as a friend.
Doing this enables you to see what your prospective date sees when you show up as a friend.
Part 2: Now imagine yourself as a lover. Feel how different that feels from being a friend. How does it feel differently in your body?
What different parts of yourself show up as a lover than as a friend?
Now imagine being on a first or second or third date with you showing up feeling like a lover. The lesbian you are out with is going to have a very different experience of you as a lover than as a friend.
How To Bring Your Lover With You On A Date
If you take the time to think about what qualities you display to your friends that make you a good friend, you'll be more aware of them and your date will instantly pick up on them. This will allow you to get out of your head!
Now don't get trapped in the friend zone, remember to bring those parts of you that are the lover to the table in an appropriate way. A lover might say, "You have an amazing smile. Your face just lights up when you smile. I'm enjoying that." A friend isn't going to say that.
You know what it's like to connect with people. You connect with friends, family, and co-workers.
It is no different to connect with a woman on a date. It takes being present. It takes enjoying yourself in the moment. It takes letting go. And it takes stepping out of the friend zone and into your lover self. If you do all of those things, you won't be stuck in the friend zone. You'll be in the lover zone.
And finally, if a woman says she just wants to be your friend and you know you want so much more, my advice is to gently, calmly and quietly walk away because its just going to make you crazy. Sending you a big hug!
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This article was originally published at Gay Girl Dating Coach. Reprinted with permission from the author.