You want it, he wants it, but you have no desire to give or get it
One of the most common complaints I hear from women is their lack of sexual desire. A woman’s sexual desire changes with years and life events. It is normal for her desire to lessen after the birth of a baby or during stressful periods in her life. But what happens when she has lost all desire and finds herself counting ceiling tiles while in the middle of making love? Or what happens when she withdraws from being touched by her husband because she feels like he will want to have sex? This is called hypoactive sexual desire disorder. It means you have a persistent or recurrent lack of interest in sex that causes personal distress. When this happens and it is ongoing it is important to report it and discuss it with your doctor. It may be hormonally related, or have other underlying medical explanations. I work with urologists and gynecologists who help with this sort of problem. But when the problem has emotional involvement (which for women is usually the majority of the time) counseling is a vital part of treatment. Women are more emotional about sex than men. In fact many women tell me the physical rewards are not as motivating as the emotional rewards when they are having sex.
The first step is the most difficult when seeking help for low sexual desire but take a deep breath and make an appointment with your health care provider to discuss your low libido. Take a note pad and write down your concerns. The reason you will want to write them down, is that you may get flustered or concerned when you bring up the discussion with your doctor. Not all doctors are trained in Low Libido and they may be uncomfortable, not wanting to embarrass you. This is not your problem as sexuality is all about good health, but if you worry about embarrassing yourself or your doctor, questions will be easier asked if they are written down.
Questions you may want to consider:
1. What could be causing my low libido?
2. Will I ever desire sex the way I use to?
3. Are there books, movies, or DVD’s I can read to help me?
4. Do you work with a psychotherapist or counselor who can help me?
5. Are there medical treatments available for my low libido?
Make sure you have a list of all the medications you are currently taking. Tell your doctor if you have a history of depression, and also tell your doctor if there has been a significant change in your relationship. Doctors are intelligent, but they cannot read your mind. You will have to tell them your part of the story so they can help you.
There are many medical treatments for low libido, and many times these can make a big difference with regard to how the woman feels about her sexuality. More important is the integrity of the relationship. I have seen women with low libido who have a loving caring partner achieve great intimacy and sex. There are many ways to have sex, and one size does not fit all. Below are a few suggestions that may help you feel more confident with your spouse and also help you begin to feel more engage and interested in sex.
– Take the phone off the hook
– Turn on soft music or music that makes you feel vibrant and beautiful.
– Give yourself lots of time (a quickie is difficult for many women who struggle with low libido).
– Foreplay can start before you invite your partner (a glass of wine to relax and taking time to dress nice makes a woman feel more feminine).
– Make sure you have lots of privacy (your bedroom door should have a lock).
– Invest in testing and trying lubricants (make this experimental and fun, rather than an arduous task).
– Pre-menopausal and menopausal women are more susceptible to bladder and vaginal infections. This can be reduced by voiding before and after sex.
– Men must understand, the goal of sex is to FEEL more connected…NOT orgasm. Talk to your husband. In my counseling, I have noted that men will do almost anything to help their partner enjoy sex.
When sex is not a problem it doesn’t take up a lot of room in the marriage. When sex is a problem it becomes everything in the marriage. If you push your husband away because you don’t feel like sex he will become hurt and angry. Embrace him, talk to him, and tell him what is going on with you. Make him part of the counseling as well as the doctor’s appointment. If he understands you are not rejecting him, but are truly suffering from low sexual desire he will become part of the solution rather than part of the problem. –Mary Jo Rapini
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