Everyone settles on some aspects in a relationship as no one is perfect. Don't settle on these three
Not everyone who is over thirty-five and single wants to marry. If you are that age, and single it may seem that you have missed something that everyone else “got” because strangers ask all the time, “Why aren’t you married?” Most single people I know hate this question (especially the women) because they feel a tinge of guilt as to why they aren’t. They may grow defensive, say nothing, or walk away muttering bad comments about the person asking the question, but the thing those of us who are married don’t get is why they would feel responsible enough to care. They feel responsible because many of these people have a list of what they will not settle for. Whether it’s an internal promise to themselves or a bad experience from their past, this list is very powerful. When they hear the question, “Why aren’t you married,” they reflect on the list and question it once again.
There are things you should not compromise on with selecting a future husband or wife, but it is also important to remember you cannot have it all. Just as you may imagine the perfect child while pregnant, when meeting your newborn for the first time, they probably didn’t look like the image you held in your mind. Your love, nurturance and understanding worked together to create them into the perfect baby for you. Marriage in its truest form should do the same. You should look for someone you can work with, understand and grow together. The older people become, the more they begin picking apart at a possible partner. Many unmarried’s (wanting to marry) have been single for a long while, they may have accumulated material wealth, and with age comes a certain degree of caution (for most emotionally healthy adults). They should be picky about sharing that with someone who potentially could hurt them.
The three areas you should be most picky about are the three areas that destroy most marriages. For some reason these areas are not the ones men or women are most picky about. This is why many times people will say, “I think you are just too picky.” They see the things you are choosy about and they inherently understand these are “fluff.” For example, how the person looks or how they dress may be important initially, but the quickest things that change over time is how your partner looks or dresses. Below are the three most important issues not to settle on.
1. Communication. The number one quality you must have in a partner is the ability to communicate. You must be able to tell them when you are happy, sad, frightened, and angry. Not only is it important to be able to say what you feel, but it is important to feel their support and concern when they hear what you say. If you feel belittled, teased, made fun of, or dismissed, then dismiss this partner prior to settling.
2. Sex. Sex is the glue to a relationship, and as important as having sex, the way you express your intimacy is extremely important. If your partner cannot make love to you in a way that you feel loved, it will only get worse in a marriage. Couples who are happier have more sex, and more sex creates more happiness. Do not settle in this area. If you cannot talk to your partner about sex without a heated argument, then let this person go prior to marriage.
3. Money. In every study I have read, sex and communication trumps money in regards to marital satisfaction. You don’t need to be a counselor very long before you understand that wealth cannot buy love. I have worked with more than my share of people who have millions, but are miserable in their relationship. It is important however for couples to have enough money to live a lifestyle they agree on. Money issues cause divorce because couples may not have explored what money symbolized for one another. If you want a partner who is ambitious, but the person you are dating lives by the day with no thought of working or saving, you are not a match made in heaven. If you are dating someone who lives with their parents at the age of thirty, there is a good chance this person would live off of you as well. Saying I didn’t marry someone due to money issues can sound harsh or shallow, but statistics would back you up with proof that you had made a wise choice.
People are getting married later and later, and finding it more difficult to find a suitable partner when they are ready. Some of the difficulty can be circumvented if you will individually get clear about where you stand on these three issues mentioned. It may be easier to project the blame on someone else, or continue saying, “I won’t settle.” What usually happens is you will settle, and if you settle in one of these areas, you most likely will live to regret that you settled. –Mary Jo Rapini
For more information and MONTHLY FREE RELATIONSHIP TIP go to: www.maryjorapini.com
Talk to me on my fan page: http://www.facebook.com/maryjorapini
Tweet me: @ Mary Jo Rapini
Get your “MOJO MOMENT” each day on Fox 26 at 9a.m.CST.
Join me every Monday and Thursday Morning for “Mind, Body, Soul with Mary Jo” on Fox 26 Houston at 9 a.m.