A relationship but no spark

By

A relationship but no spark
Is it possible to develop a serious, loving relationship w/ no initial spark? Mary Jo says yes & no.


Dear Jane,
I want to thank you for trusting me with your question and I am hoping I can offer things to think about and question within yourself, to help you find your answers. Dating should be fun and it allows you to get to know people in an intimate setting. Like any relationship, it should be done as honestly as possible. When you are transparent, you allow the other person to know you, and free yourself from trying to be what you aren’t. If you pretend to like this guy and keep it going when you really aren’t interested, that is deception. Being honest doesn’t have to be mean, something as simple as, “I think you are a really neat person (if he is), but I have some things I need to work out in my own head right now, and I need to take a break from seeing you anymore.” Of course that is my script…you can change it however you wish as long as you stay honest with your own part (spark happens; it’s not something anyone is to blame for or feel badly about).
You also asked if spark ever comes when it isn’t there initially. There is no one answer to that question, Jane. In a healthy marriage, couples may experience their spark growing and dimming only to repeat this cycle. A relationship also grows, but with dating, there has to be something there to keep you wanting to continue the dates. That leads us to the last portion of your question. When the other person does feel a spark and you don’t, how long should you continue the relationship? This is where you have to become very honest with yourself by asking yourself these questions.
1. What am I afraid of if I let this one go?
2. What specifically (write them down) makes this person void of spark?
3. What specific combination makes me feel a spark? Many women who like bad boys were raised with dads who didn’t treat their moms very nice. These women may say they would never marry or date a guy like their dad, but the unfinished business in their heads attracts them to a bad boy like a moth to a flame. Many moms who were bored with their partners couldn’t hide their boredom from their daughters. When their daughters meet nice guys, they get cast aside due to the daughters’ fear they will end up bored like their mothers were.
Chemistry is the sum total of what we grew up with, what we saw mentored in our own homes and our personal wiring. When it attracts, it is strong, and there is a spark. Can a relationship grow to spark? Yes. Will it ever feel as intense as a natural first meeting spark? No, probably not. Can you build a healthy marriage or life with someone you don’t feel that spark for? YES. Is it easy? NO, but then again, creating a healthy marriage takes work, and I doubt anyone would say it was easy. I could not say that about life in general as life is about learning all aspects of one’s self and some of those are painful. Good luck, Jane.
–Mary Jo Rapini

For more information and MONTHLY FREE RELATIONSHIP TIP go to: www.maryjorapini.com
Talk to me on my fan page: http://www.facebook.com/maryjorapini
Tweet me: @ Mary Jo Rapini
Get your “MOJO MOMENT” each day on Fox 26 at 7a.m and 9a.m.CST.
http://houston.cbslocal.com/2011/07/06/dos-and-donts-after-the-breakup/
http://houston.cbslocal.com/2011/07/13/how-to-cope-after-infidelity/?utm...
http://khmx.radio.com/shows/mary-jo-rapini/
Join me every Thursday Morning on “Mind, Body, Soul with Mary Jo” on Fox 26 Houston at 9 a.m.
 

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Mary Jo Rapini

Counselor/Therapist

For more information go to: www.maryjorapini.com
Talk to me on my fan page: http://www.facebook.com/maryjorapini
Tweet me: @MaryJoRapini
Read my Love and Relationships Blog on Chron.com
Ask me questions on Fox26 in Houston, TX and watch every Thursday Morning at 9am for “Mind, Body, Soul with Mary Jo” and Friday Morning's at 8am for “Healthy Happy Hour with Mary Jo”

Location: Houston, TX
Credentials: LPC
Other Articles/News by Mary Jo Rapini:

Sleeping In The Nude: Does What You Wear To Bed Affect Intimacy?

By

A recent survey published by Cotton USA reveals that 57 percent of married couples who sleep nude report being happy with their partner. Roughly half of all couples do sleep nude and approximately half of those are over the age of 55. Is it the nudity itself helping couples feel happier with their partner or is the nudity symbolic for something deeper that ... Read more

5 Ways To Survive A Friend Unfriending You

By

A group of my colleagues and friends were talking about losing good friends. One of my friends' situations was a job promotion and a change of location. Her friend cut her off, didn't want to be her friend anymore, and un-friended her on Facebook, leaving her feeling confused and mistrusting. Had this person been a friend at all? Another friend told ... Read more

Fighting Fair Made Easy In Six Easy Steps

By

http://youtu.be/-_G4NpWgyNQ   The one area that most couples do not explore before they get married is "how to fight". It may seem derogatory, or somehow cynical to focus on how you will fight with each other when you are beginning a new life together, but nothing could be further from the truth. Learning to fight fair has health benefits as ... Read more

See More

GET MORE ARTICLES LIKE THIS IN YOUR INBOX!

Sign up for our daily email and get the stories everyone is talking about.

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

FROM AROUND THE WEB