Married To The Wrong Sex?

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How being gay and married to someone of the opposite sex keeps you from coming clean & coming out.

When couples get divorced, there is the obvious hurt, confusion and anger. What will it be like to live alone? What will you tell the kids? Who is the other woman or man? These feelings become more complicated when your spouse falls for someone of their same sexWill I Ever Be Good Enough To Love?

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates that at least 4,000,000 women have been involved with men that have had sex with other men. Not to mention, according to the Family Pride Coalition, 20 percent of all gay men in America are in heterosexual marriages. Women, too, have gay relationships. These numbers are more difficult to attain due to the lack of understanding of women's sexuality.

In 2004, at Northwestern University, researchers found that both gay and straight females became sexually aroused when they viewed both heterosexual and lesbian porn. The straight males in the study only became aroused by women. Dr. Michael Bailey, the lead researcher, reported that, "Women's sexual desire is less rigidly directed toward a particular sex as compared to men and more changeable over time than men's."

While there are couples that deny their sexual preference, stay in heterosexual marriages and raise healthy children, it is not easy. Many times when couples are splitting due to falling in love with a gay lover, the partner left will usually admit there were signs, but they ignored them due to fear or to preserve the unity of the family. As with any type of affair, it is not the actual reality that is most damaging, but the "cover up" and lies that kept it in place.

If you are dating someone or suspicious that your spouse may be in love with a same sex partner, don't act on assumption, but try to explore further. No heterosexual person can understand the depth of shame or feelings of disappointment that may go along with coming out. 5 Reasons Why You'll Never Be The One

It is also important to understand that your partner may love you, but they may not feel desire toward you. Belittling your partner will only make them feel more shameful and remorseful that they told you the truth. Most likely, you aren't guilty of anything other than being the wrong sex.

For couples going through this dilemma, one of the most difficult aspects is how to begin the conversation. Beginning this talk should be done in the privacy of the couple's home and at a time when neither is stressed. For spouses who have suspicion or an awkward feeling in regards to their husband's or wife's same-sex relationship, this script may help you get started.

"I am not sure why, and feel confused, but I am uncomfortable with the way you act when you are around _____." This "I statement" is respectful, direct and non-accusatory. It reminds your partner that it is not them who makes you uncomfortable, but their behavior around a specific person.

Article contributed by
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Mary Jo Rapini

Counselor/Therapist

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