5 Ways To Keep The Sparks Flying In Your Marriage

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5 Ways To Keep The Sparks Flying In Your Marriage
How do couples keep that fire lit for years of a healthy marriage? Sex/Intimacy therapist's 5 ways.

Great sex is highly correlated with understanding your partner. For women, the more secure and comfortable they are with their partner, the more unconventional and open to new things they will be. This affects their partner and is what makes their partner love sex with them. Men’s need for visual variety is much higher than women’s. Men may use this as an excuse for why they visit men’s clubs or invest in pornography, when in truth; this is a rote, “in the box thinking,” excuse. If couples talk about this need, they can both do things that will help provide variety and not lead to the potential problems that men’s clubs and watching pornography may cause. When a married couple is struggling with their sex life, the biggest obstacle is convincing the couple that they must keep talking about their sex life. One of the assignments I give each of my married couples who are unhappy with their marital sex life is to talk about their sex life for 10 minutes, four days a week. This proves excruciatingly painful for them, especially the women. Couples can go on “date night” and talk about their kids all night, but if one of them interjects, “Oh wait, we have to talk about our sex life now,” you would most likely hear silence at best, a groan at worst.
Some of women’s views about their sexuality are directly related to the way society affords more social accolades for being a good mom than they do for being a wonderful, intimate partner to their husbands (the media also projects husbands as being another child for the wife to look after). The fact that it is not valued by society contributes to women not valuing intimacy or sex as much as they do their children and their numerous other chores. Women don’t use sex as a stress reliever as men do, because it isn’t a stress reliever. It becomes a chore when a woman feels as if she has numerous jobs to do, and lists pleasing her husband as another one of those jobs. Many women don’t understand the importance of their sexual health and how important sex is to a healthy marriage. It isn’t uncommon for me to counsel a forty year old woman who has been married for years but has never had an orgasm and has no idea how to achieve one. For this woman sex is a stressor and a chore. It takes understanding on both sides; the wife needs to understand that sex is a stress reliever for her husband, and her husband needs to understand that sex may be an additional stressor to his wife. If a husband can help alleviate some of her other tasks, and she can do little things such as touching and embracing him more, it may help alleviate some of his stress without adding to hers. Many women will tell me the reason they don’t hug or touch their husband more is because the husband’s mind goes directly to the goal of having sex, and she feels “too tired to get into all of that.”

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Mary Jo Rapini

Counselor/Therapist

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Location: Houston, TX
Credentials: LPC
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