When you are married and in love with someone else, fear of being alone may hold you trapped.
By Mary Jo Rapini — Written on May 15, 2012
Dear PT, Thank you for your honest letter, and I hope this letter will help encourage you, but more importantly, I hope it will motivate you to make changes within yourself. I don’t know your spouse or your friend, but based on your letter I do know you are going to end up alone. You already are, which is why you are seeking solace with another person who does not have your best interest at heart. The reason I can say this with confidence is because it is clear to me that you don’t know or love yourself. You are making unwise decisions due to your fear of being alone and facing your pain. You most likely will not have a healthy marriage or relationship until you become clear of what you are running from. What frightens you so much about being alone? I am going to offer suggestions that I think would be wise for you to get started on before you make decisions regarding your marriage.
1. You need to begin counseling on your own so you can get stronger within yourself. You won’t do what you need to do unless you have professional support.
2. You need to tell your friend the truth that you are only thinking of yourself right now. That you are not in a position of loving yourself let alone another person. Tell your friend as honestly as you can that you have been using them as a way to not be alone. Saying this aloud will help empower you.
3. Most likely, you are projecting a savior image on to your friend, and this is not reality. Your friend is waiting around because they are at your level of self love. Two halves can never create a whole in relationships. It takes two whole people to create a healthy relationship.
4. If your spouse is abusive, then you must leave. That includes emotional, sexual or physical abuse. If they are not abusive then you should go to them, and tell them you are unhappy in your life. Tell them you need to work on you, and the stronger you become the more the marriage will change. Ask them how they feel about this. Ask them if they are happy. Ask them if they want a more connected, loving marriage. You need to begin talking to your spouse. Don’t blame them for your unhappiness, but let them know you are tired of being unhappy and want to change.
5. You need to take responsibility for your situation because it is your fear that is keeping you there. You have the power to change that if you take ownership of it. Part of taking ownership is going to the doctor if you are depressed and being assessed so they can give you the proper treatment. Many people in triangles are also depressed.
Fear and love rule the world and relationships. When your fear being alone, and facing your own demons keeps you locked in an unhealthy relationship, it is time to face your demons and work through the pain. Happiness is waiting for you, but it’s inside you. No person can make us happy if we are afraid of being alone. That isn’t love, that’s fear. –Mary Jo Rapini
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Tags: Relationships, Love, Fear, Love Triangles, Counseling, Fear of Being Alone