Marriage is tough and commitment is not biologically natural, which is one reason when you get married you must commit to monogamy. This is my theory, and although there are many theories in marital therapy, the one that works the best is the one that works for the couple.
I find it interesting that humans never change although technology is changing at a rate so fast few of us can keep up. One of the changes is a slew of apps and websites to cheat. Couples using these apps and websites rationalize them saying, "Well, it isn't cheating because it's agreed upon between both parties, and isn't it better to have a safe place where you know it will only be a onetime meet up?"
Married couples agree to all sorts of different sexual arrangements that many people would find shocking. However, keeping secrets from your partner changes the way the couple communicates and the depth of connection they share. A website that is very popular among people over forty is MarriedHallPass.com. The website promotes the same theme as others, such as Ashley Madison and Tinder. Basically, the website is a place you can meet up for casual non-committed sexual relations (they aren't relationships, because you need to know the person to have a relationship).
The majority of couples I work with are working toward restoring their relationship, and infidelity is a big reason that many of these couples are seeking therapy. The issue with infidelity is complicated, and one reason I don't promote apps or websites that promote hookups. You never know how you will feel if you're the one who cheats or is cheated on until you are in the situation. Each situation is unique, and even if you grant permission to your spouse to have a week off from marriage, you may feel differently if they do hook up with someone else.
If you are seeking someone outside of your marriage, more than likely it has more to do with you than your spouse. It speaks highly of where you are emotionally in your life, what you expected in your life, what you feel you deserve in your life and what you are willing or not willing to risk in your life to satisfy what you are feeling. These are important points to think about before you talk with your spouse about your emotional, as well as sexual needs.
It will also be helpful to go through this list of the most common reasons people begin wanting to experience a relationship with a new person or become involved with a hookup.
- In all studies, the number one reason for cheating was lack of sexual satisfaction with their primary relationship. An important note here: frequency was not the biggest problem. Feeling unloved or unwanted with sex was.
- A desire for additional sexual encounters. Many times spouses don't talk about what they are feeling in regards to their sex life. For example, men will sometimes want more sex if they feel like they are performing well at work, or in some other area of life. Just as women may want more shoes, handbags or clothes, guys may want sex. This rarely gets mentioned until therapy.
- A lack of feeling an emotional connection with their partner. This was an important reason for men especially after the age of 40 years. This remained a constant reason women had an affair.
- Falling in love with someone else was another reason given for cheating or having a hookup. An example of this is someone falling in love with an exotic dancer at a men’s club.
- Revenge affairs and hookups happen more frequently than you can imagine and they usually end as quickly as they begin.
- Curiosity and seeking something new is another popular reason for cheating and hookups.
I think the best "Married Hall Pass" is one in which you can improve the marriage. These are a few I suggest that will actually improve your marriage.
- A Hall Pass for one week of intimacy every night with your spouse.
- A Hall Pass for one week of non-sexual separate vacations.
- A Hall Pass from toxic friends.
- A Hall Pass to talk about your sex life each day for one week in your relationship.
- A Hall Pass to try new things in your intimacy/sex life with your partner.
The number one reason couples cheat is they are feeling emotions they are unable to express to their partner. If you can communicate with your partner; your needs, your feelings without shame, and work together to satisfy your sexual needs you will not only cheat proof your marriage, but you will add intimacy and deepen your connection to each other. Your marriage and your sex life don't have to follow a book, or work for anyone but the two of you.
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