If you don't want a divorce, and your partner doesn't want couples counseling, going alone may help.
Before you invest, make sure you do your homework up front. Here are suggestions to consider according to Dr. Howard Markman, a Psychologist and the study's lead researcher:
1. Find a therapist who will engage with you, but understands you are trying to improve your marriage. The therapist must be willing to see you alone, but work on the relationship.
2. Talk to your partner about why he doesn't want to go. Does he feel the marriage is hopeless, or is he uncomfortable with therapy? Does your partner still believe the marriage will work? If you go alone, the marriage problems must be transparent. If your spouse is still lying, cheating or abusive, this method will most likely fail.
3. Understand your goal is not to change your partner, but rather to gain insight into the dysfunctional pattern established and your role in it.
4. Invite your partner to come with you, but don't nag him. It is better if he attends when and if he is ready to join you. Using shame or guilt will backfire if used on your spouse.
5. Share all homework, articles, and books suggested. Spouses who began learning together were each improved the same, and their marriage did too, according to the research.
No matter who goes into therapy, there is a premise that couples need to understand and embrace. That premise of marriage is that you cannot change another person. The only person you can ever change is you, and you accomplish that by changing your reactions. The fault of a broken marriage has two names, HIS and HERS (same sex marriages His and His or Hers and Hers).
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