Better sex with optimistic people

By

Better sex with optimistic people
The habit of becoming an optimist directly affects your sex life in a positive way. 3 easy tips now.


There was a lot of talk several years ago that a single woman over 40 years of age had a better chance of being blown up in a terrorist attack than finding a healthy marriage partner. Times have changed, and 40 year-old women no longer look 40 and terrorist attacks are more frequent. The saying has lost its “punch” and you seldom hear this phrase anymore. I have gone to more weddings where the bride and groom are both over 40 years of age, and/or one of them is over 40 and the other is 39 and holding.
The new phrase is, “You get what you envision and believe.” People who are optimistic and see their partner as being the best and visualize their lives as being sexually active usually end up with great partners and sexually active lives.

The practice of optimism has never been as correlated to positive outcomes as it is with sexuality. Joel Black, Ph.D. has written numerous articles about sex lives over 50 years of age. He reports that when couples engage in the habit of optimism they suffer fewer problems with age-related effects of aging on their sexuality, and when or if there are problems, their optimistic habits help them work around the issues in a healthy way. This makes so much sense in working with couples. By the time I see the couple, one or both of them are depleted of optimism. In fact, many times it is not the relationship that is the issue, but the couple’s viewpoint that it is terrible and there is no hope of fixing it. Couples come in ready to give up on having a healthy sex life because they haven’t been successful at having sex for months or years. When I ask them how they can give up such a vital area of their relationship, they will say often times with disdain, “It was never good anyway, and she/he doesn’t really care about sex.” Very rarely is this the case. The partner has given up, because the person stating this has become so negative that being involved with them sexually is more painful than becoming celibate in the marriage.

Pessimism towards one’s sex life doesn’t happen overnight; it is a pattern developed relatively early in the relationship/marriage and it continues to get worse as the years go on. Pessimism is a habit just as optimism is. When you date, you know right away if the person you are out with is a pessimist by trait or an optimist. Usually, pessimists attract optimists much like a magnet attracts metal, and if you are a full-blooded optimist it is highly likely the person sharing your pillow is a pessimist. When couples are newlywed, they may find this match humorous. However, when you grow as a couple and your pessimistic partner is getting older, complaining about the effects of aging, and the lack of vigor, the humor you may have enjoyed in your youth with this person becomes dulled. The optimistic partner becomes overwhelmed with trying to appease the pessimistic spouse, and this is where touching, talking, and enjoying intimacy hits the wall. Many times this is where they enter my office, both of them looking very pessimistic regarding their non-existent sex lives.

Article contributed by

Mary Jo Rapini

Counselor/Therapist

For more information go to: www.maryjorapini.com
Talk to me on my fan page: http://www.facebook.com/maryjorapini
Tweet me: @MaryJoRapini
Read my Love and Relationships Blog on Chron.com
Ask me questions on Fox26 in Houston, TX and watch every Thursday Morning at 9am for “Mind, Body, Soul with Mary Jo” and Friday Morning's at 8am for “Healthy Happy Hour with Mary Jo”

Location: Houston, TX
Credentials: LPC
Other Articles/News by Mary Jo Rapini:

Baby Boomers: Take Your Marriage From Boring To Blissful!

By

Boomers have always been independent and have made their own way. Nowhere is that showing up more than in marital status. Since 1990, the divorce rate has gone down in the United States for everyone but the boomers. Those over 50 years of age have seen divorce rates double, and if you're over fifty, you've probably seen several of your friends split ... Read more

A Soul Mate Isn't A Soul Mate Without These 4 Things

By

Time Magazine recently reported on a concept many of us have, "That good marriages and relationships are based on finding our soul mate or our perfect one." This expectation is shaped by society's focus on physical attraction and messages from our friends, family and our favorite television shows, none of which are actually true as far as having a ... Read more

Is Aging Part Of Your Promotion?

By

Does Climbing the Career Ladder Age You? When you look at photos of President Obama before his presidency and currently, there is no doubt he has aged. In fact, the historical evidence of what being the President of the United States does to speed up the aging process can be seen throughout the ages. From President Lincoln to George Bush, the aging evidence ... Read more

See More

 
PARTNER POSTS
Latest Expert Videos
ASK YOURTANGO MORE QUESTIONS
Must-see Videos
SEE MORE VIDEOS
Most Popular