When you watch TV, your favorite show on your iPad or look through a magazine, one thing appears very clear. Others are having great sex. If you are feeling as though yours doesn’t compare, you may begin wondering what is wrong with your sex life. This would be an error in your thinking, because TV sex, magazine sex, and other media forms of sex are rarely true. They are airbrushed and taken in short, carefully scripted clips. There is no passion on the set, and the actors don’t have bad breath, stinky socks, or bad timing. Real life includes all of these scenarios and more, leading to bad sex.
The longer you are married to the same person the more chances you will have to experience bad sex at some time. Whether you drank too much, didn’t brush your teeth, forgot deodorant that evening, or were in too big of a rush, your partner will be your final critic, and most likely they will label the event as “Bad Sex.” We all give bad sex to our partner at some time within our marriage. If our mind is on other things, or we are taking our partner for granted, or we want the stress relief with as little effort as possible, we are the makers of bad sex.
Bad sex isn’t contagious. You cannot catch it from your partner nor can he catch it from you. However, if bad sex continues day after day, week after week, the marriage is sure to become infected. You will know when that has happened because one of the partners is totally turned off and no longer wants sex with their partner. They may continue to read romance novels, playboy or playgirl magazines, but when it comes to having sex with you, they seem to be continuously busy. If you don’t intervene as soon as you begin being aware of this, your marriage may not survive.
Talking about sex isn’t easy, and it is never wise to talk about sex when you are angry for not getting any sex. Talking about sex should be done when both people are relaxed and enjoying their time together. Asking your partner why they don’t want sex will make them defensive. However, if you ask them what you can do in order to help them want sex more with you, this may open them up to begin talking. You may find out it isn’t you, but something you are doing or not doing that is shutting them down. Erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation can also cause couples to turn away from sex. Hormone imbalances may affect the mind as well as the physical body. A trip to see the Urologist, Gynecologist or Primary Physician may be all that’s necessary to minimize a problem a couple has suffered for years. The biggest problem with bad sex is getting over the embarrassment of talking about it with your partner and a health care professional. Below are suggestions of how to begin the intervention of communicating with your partner about bad sex before it infects your marriage.
1. Understanding that a healthy sex life is as much a predictor of your overall health as a healthy heart is the first step. Both women and men must own their sexuality. If you feel that you don’t really care or deserve to have a healthy sexual relationship with your spouse, that feeling alone can infect your marriage and ruin your sex life.
2. Guys have to approach sex as a way of expressing their love. Men frequently say that semantics isn’t as important to them as it is to women. This may be true. However, if you are married to a woman, you better be able to express your sexual self with words of endearment that can help turn her on.
3. A big question men ask that only a woman can answer is: “If you like the orgasm and we have fun with sex, why don’t you want to have sex more often?” The answer is: The orgasm was good, great perhaps; however, women need more to push them over the edge and make them want a man again and again. This push happens the minute her man gets up in the morning: what he says and does, and it lasts until bedtime. This has nothing to do with what’s fair; it has to do with the truth.
4. Ladies need to know their body and what feels good. No man can discern this no matter how many women he has had unless you guide him. Every woman is wired differently and it has much to do with the mind and spine, such as where the nerves connect. Women who don’t touch their bodies or don’t know what feels good to them, miss out when it comes to good sex. If you fake an orgasm, you are going to have to fake it the rest of your life, because he is going to touch you in the SAME place each time you have sex.
5. Married sex can get boring and monotonous. As a couple you need to have better hygiene than you would if it were a one night stand, and you need to spice it up more than you would if you were simply dating. This is your life partner…treat them with the best of you.
Sex can infect a marriage, but only lack of intimacy can kill it. Bad sex happens, sometimes during prolonged illness, arguments, and other challenges we all face in our marriage. If you can touch, talk, and listen, there is nothing you cannot work through with the right support (except abuse). Bad sex happens, but it doesn’t happen forever unless you stop the intimacy. Changing a bad sex partner for a good sex partner is an option many people choose in real life, but being a therapist has usually proven to me that you cannot wipe out bad sex by changing partners. After all, if you are in a sexual relationship with someone you care about, you need to know how to use your words and actions for good sex. –Mary Jo Rapini
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