For the most part keeping secrets is harmless, but these six are not.
Most of us grow up with parents who teach us how to be polite. There are things you learn very young not to say in an effort to have good manners. These lessons carry over into our relationships and marriage. For example, if you are planning "a girl's/guy's night out," constantly talking to your partner about how you cannot wait to get away and be wild with your friends may be hurtful and cause your partner anxiety with how important they really are in your life if you cannot wait to escape.
Or if your partner is gaining weight and you become concerned telling them outright that they are getting fat hurts feelings and causes resentment. It's not wise to tell your partner the negative things your family says about them either, so usually you learn to keep that information to yourself unless it's extreme and relationship threatening.
There are secrets couples have though that should not be secrets. These secrets can destroy their relationship and their family. These secrets also begin changing who you are as a person, because they lead to further lying, causing one to live a double life and a loss of communication. Below are six secrets you should never keep from your partner.
- You have been overspending and are running into money issues. Sometimes couples medicate their dissatisfaction with spending money on material things, drugs, food, alcohol and other vices. It is not uncommon to find out that one person has moved money from one account to another or taken out huge loans without the other partner knowing. The best way to avoid this is to have monthly budget meetings and do online banking using a password both people know for each account. Infidelity is as common with money as it is in bed.
- You feel as though you have lost the connection or communication with your partner. This is not something to wish away or think it will get better. It won't without intervention of both people knowing. Assuming you are too sensitive or in a mood and that is why you are feeling this way is a secret that can destroy your relationship.
- You aren't happy in bed. Couples who talk about their intimacy and sex lives have better intimacy and sex lives. Different stages can slow down or challenge intimacy, but getting it out in the open by discussing it helps build a connection, and team work is always more successful than one person feeling it’s their problem and best not talked about.
- There is something wrong with your health. If you are concerned about a change in your health, talk to your partner about it and then talk to a physician. Every illness or health concern is better dealt with if it is dealt with before it becomes severe. Keeping your health concerns secret from your partner limits their ability to help, and your ability to practice good health care.
- Something from your past that your partner never knew is coming back to haunt you. Social media has allowed people from our past to find us, and sometimes people from our past were hurtful. Clients tell me often the anxiety that comes with a person from the past that they kept secret from their partner. If you were traumatized in any way in the past, this could affect your relationship with your current partner, so it is a good idea to talk to them about it. Many times your partner has a point of view that helps you deal with the situation, and your partner may be better at intervening with the person from your past than you are.
- Your diet or drinking has become excessive. Being home with small children or working full-time with no time for you can lead to stress, anxiety and depression. If you are turning to alcohol or food to comfort your distress, it is not something you should try to hide from your partner. Talking to your partner about your depression, stress or anxiety can help alleviate it by getting it out in the open so both of you can make changes to your lifestyle. Many times you will find your partner is also stressed and needs help with coping. Reputable therapists can be found by going to the American Psychotherapy Association.
Being in a relationship doesn't mean your partner needs to know everything. We all experience things or talk to our friends sharing stories that should end there. However, in a relationship the more transparent you can be, the better communication will flourish between the two of you.
Fear of judging is what holds most of us back from telling our secrets, and we may fear losing our partner if they knew the truth. This sort of thinking goes back to being able to trust your partner to know all parts of you, your imperfections and having faith in the relationship and your partner’s commitment to work it through. –Mary Jo Rapini
For more information or your Free Monthly Relationship Tips: www.maryjorapini.com
- Struggling with low libido in your relationship.
- Married with small children at home and keeping your relationship close
- Improving your body image
Mind, Body, Soul with Mary Jo happens every Monday and Thursday morning 9 A.M. CST on Fox 26 Morning News. Catch Mary Jo early on Fox 26 Saturday mornings to get your Relationship Challenge for the week ahead.
More advice on effective communication on YourTango:
- Say What?: Effective Communication For Your Love Life
- The Key To Effective Communication
- Relationship Questions To Ask For Long-Term Commitment