5 Reasons dating is tougher 2nd time around

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5 Reasons dating is tougher 2nd time around
Are you recently divorced and back out there dating? The thrill of it is gone? How do you date?

For most of us, dating is fun. You get to go out, meet new people and enjoy learning new activities and trying new places. It makes us come out of our shells. We also learn a lot about ourselves such as what we like, what we don’t like, and how we handle conflict. Dating is important, and I usually suggest dating several people before committing to one. Dating after a long term relationship or marriage is not the same. Everything seems different when you go back on the market again looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right. You’re a different person the second or third time around. Your older, wiser, more guarded and have a lot more to lose. Many times you have children or the people you are dating have kids; the carefree days of dating are gone. Dates may feel more like interviews, and there is tension in regards to dating because most people want to cut to the chase the second time. Women after a divorce are usually seeking a long term committed relationship. They want security and to feel loved and special to one person. Men that begin dating again after a divorce or break-up are looking for someone who will accept them, have sex with them, and help them feel less lonely. This may or may not lead to commitment. After all, they have tried commitment and it broke.
The statistics report that about half (50%) of all marriages lead to divorce. Not to mention all those couples who live together for many years without marriage and then break up. This leaves many adults looking for potential partners the second or third time around. What makes dating and second marriages difficult are the kids that are involved. Only in movies and on TV are blended families made to look easy and fun. A blended family in real life requires maturity, patience, and a total commitment on each parent’s part. They take a long time to establish, and even longer to live in harmony and peace.
The second most difficult issue is the people you are dating. You aren’t the only one who changes the second time around. Most of the people you date have their own story of complicated love. They are guarded and many times carry anger that will be projected onto whoever they date. For example, if you date someone who had a critical wife and they divorced, every time he hears criticism in your voice he is going to resort back to the behavior that may have lead to the breakup of his marriage. The exception to this rule is if he was able to get therapy and understand why he reacted the way he did, so he doesn’t continue the destructive behavior he used in the past with new relationships. You won’t know this from “interviewing” him on a date, which will complicate matters when you have your first fight.

Article contributed by

Mary Jo Rapini

Counselor/Therapist

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