3 Ways To Make Divorce Easier On Kids

By

3 Ways To Make Divorce Easier On Kids
During a divorce everyone gets hurt, especially the children...

Getting a divorce is traumatic, and nowhere do we see the effects of a divorce more than the children. The family is the life center for children, and when the family is threatened by divorce, the children feel tugged and pulled between mom and dad.

Many parents worry about the effects of divorce on their children and this is one reason divorces take years to finalize. When you divorce your spouse, you do not have to divorce your children as well. Experts who work with families report that many times, a failure for the child to trust well into adulthood stems back to reliving the divorce of their parents.

 

The problems witnessed during divorce proceedings stem from unresolved anger and bitterness with the issues that led up to or caused the divorce.

Getting these issues resolved with conflict resolution prior to divorce helps the couple in three ways.

  1. Resolving the issues may help each partner feel a renewed sense of closeness, and they may feel more motivated to work on their marriage.
  2. Resolving the issues will help the divorce be more child centered and more focused on the child's well-being.  
  3. Resolving the issues will help with communication as the couple co-parent while living apart from one another.

If you must divorce, then getting your child's perspective of how they may feel, and trying to be considerate of their needs can help immensely.

Below are three important ways to help your children understand that although their family has changed, their mother and father both love them and will be working together to parent them.

  1. Never share intimate details of what happened or caused the divorce with your children. There is a boundary between adults/parents and children. Your child should never be your emotional confidante. If a parent needs to talk to someone, a good therapist or best friend is an option, but never your child.
  2. Don’t use your child as a spy. Your child’s job is not to come home with the details of what mom or dad is doing. This puts your child in a terrible position and they constantly worry about losing one parent, lying, or feeling used. If you need a detective, hire one, but never use your child.
  3. Never talk badly about your ex or your child’s other parent in front of your child. Your child personalizes the nasty things you say about their other parent. It is cruel to compare your child to their other parent in a negative way as well. It reflects poorly on you as well, because you chose the child’s other parent to become involved with. If you ever say anything bad about your child’s other parent, always apologize to your child. Children can forgive, but forgetting is  difficult for them. 

It is not a coincedence that many of the adults I work with today suffer emotional problems from going through a divorce with their parents. Usually, the divorce was only part of the pain.

The other part was the constant criticism, hating and bitterness the divorced parents used against each other as the child was growing up. Children need to know they grew up being loved by their parents.

If you cannot live with your married partner and you must divorce, then divorce each other, but don't divorce the kids. A divorce should never be a reason for you not to see and support your child. As with all things, if a parent is unsafe then it is never wise to put your child in harm’s way. This does not account for the majority of divorces.

For more information or you FREE MONTHLY RELATIONSHIP TIPS.

Podcasts:

Talk to me on my fan pageYouTube, and Twitter @ Mary Jo Rapini.

More divorce advice on YourTango:

Article contributed by

Mary Jo Rapini

Counselor/Therapist

For more information go to: www.maryjorapini.com
Talk to me on my fan page: http://www.facebook.com/maryjorapini
Tweet me: @MaryJoRapini
Read my Love and Relationships Blog on Chron.com
Ask me questions on Fox26 in Houston, TX and watch every Thursday Morning at 9am for “Mind, Body, Soul with Mary Jo” and Friday Morning's at 8am for “Healthy Happy Hour with Mary Jo”

Location: Houston, TX
Credentials: LPC
Other Articles/News by Mary Jo Rapini:

The 10 Best Christmas Gifts For Him (And They're Free!)

By

In relationships, we emphasize the importance of building one another up, rather than pointing fingers and blaming; but, guys live in a much different world than women do. This is why the best gifts for him are free. Women are networkers and they bond and connect with other women. Guys are competitive, focused and constantly looking over their shoulder to ... Read more

5 Ways To Stuff Your Turkey With Gratitude

By

Many of us grew up sharing Thanksgiving with family around the dining room table. Our parents or grandparents usually hosted the meal, and we ate with family and became re-acquainted with family we may not have seen since the Thanksgiving before. Times have changed and family members may have moved due to work obligations, school choices and raising families of ... Read more

Baby Boomers: Take Your Marriage From Boring To Blissful!

By

Boomers have always been independent and have made their own way. Nowhere is that showing up more than in marital status. Since 1990, the divorce rate has gone down in the United States for everyone but the boomers. Those over 50 years of age have seen divorce rates double, and if you're over fifty, you've probably seen several of your friends split ... Read more

See More

 
Latest Expert Videos
ASK YOURTANGO MORE QUESTIONS
Must-see Videos
SEE MORE VIDEOS
Most Popular