Is finding your soul mate as difficult as finding a pot of gold? Dating is it luck or destiny?
It’s Saint Patrick’s Day soon. Many of us go out and celebrate with our friends. If you’re single sometimes you wonder if it is all luck when it comes to dating. How are you attracted to someone? What makes them attractive to you? What makes you attractive to them? How do you find your special someone in the first place? Is it pure chance? Is she my soul mate? Is he my knight in shining armor?
Ultimately I will leave this conundrum up to you to decide. Your beliefs and values will play a big role in whether you think luck has anything to do with finding that special someone. There is a lot written out there discussing whether or not we have soul mates or multiple soul mates. Some people like to look at finding their soul mate with the perspective that there could be multiple soul mates. Given the rise in divorce, this seems to be a prevailing thought. I’d like to challenge you to think about not looking for a soul mate or mistakenly thinking the person you fall head over heels in love with is your soul mate. There are a lot of physiological things going on in your body. One of which is a love cocktail that tends to wear off after being intimate with a person for two years.
What it really boils down to is whether the person you are dating is compatible or compatible enough for you. Compatibility aside, first let’s quickly take a look at what men and women are hoping to get out of a new dating relationship. You may feel like the luckiest person in the world when you find that person who makes it seem like there is a pot of gold behind every tree, and the adventure of looking for the end of the rainbow together seems thrilling. Well, er, for the moment, because remember you have a love cocktail of feel-good hormones coursing through your veins.
One important word to remember when you’re in the whole dating game is: expectations. All failure in communication is due to this one word: expectations. If your expectation does not match their expectation, then the expectation is unrealistic, and you are bound to travel down a bumpy road. The road will be bumpy, because it was not intentionally prepared by open, honest communication between the two love bugs. It doesn’t help that what you think the other person needs, because it is what you need to feel loved, is not what the other person needs to feel loved.
Sometimes we don’t clearly know what we expect from the other person. That’s where this article comes into place, because you can begin thinking about the basic needs required to feel safe and secure, and yes, ultimately loved, in a relationship. A basic need does not differ much from when you were a newborn. When you were warm, fed, and felt safe…, then you were able to move onto the bigger L word. Think about it this way, when you do not get the basics of food, clothing, shelter…which is what our bodies need physiologically to not die, and from these needs we then feel safe and secure. To get to the next level of love and belongingness, which is what we first seek from whoever raised us, and now as adults we’re seeking it from a companion, you have to have the basic needs met first. If you’re curious, after love and belongingness comes self-esteem, and self-actualization. As our brains grow and mature throughout adolescence, the dating relationship needs between men and women diverge. This is why it is sometimes confusing to us when we are in a relationship talking to and doing things for the other person in the way we’d like it done to us. What we often fail to realize is what the other person needs is not the same as what you need.
Simply put women predominantly need caring, while a man needs trust. Women need understanding, while a man needs acceptance. Women need respect, while a man needs appreciation. In Dr. John Gray’s Mars and Venus on a Date he writes much about how women and men can go about instilling these basic love needs in the opposite sex to get past the chance meeting and awkward hellos.
By understanding the differences between men and women and their love needs in a relationship, then you can begin to address whether the person who excites you is compatible for you as well. When we’re dating we have love hormones coursing through our bodies, which impair logical thinking. If you’re unique personality and interests are either mutually understood or shared, then you will be compatible. Not only will you be able to meet their love needs as defined above, but you will also have a future together, because when you respect and encourage the other person and what drives them in life, then you are compatible. And, your special someone just may be your lucky leprechaun to chase after rainbows with.
Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd
Mars Venus Coaching
Corporate Media Relations