Halitosis. It affects us all, unfortunately, but for some reason it seems to be a borderline epidemic among males aged 18-35. (No, there’s no scientific study on this. Just trust me.) Though we’ve invented mint lozenges, mouthwash, Doublemint gum, and a variety of torture devices specifically meant to combat this problem, some men just can’t get with the program, no matter what we do to try to help them. I’m assuming you’ve probably tried all of the following: Peppering his food with crushed up mint leaves, adding a pinch (or a pint) of mouthwash to his coke, slipping mini waterpicks in his pockets, and/or surreptitiously decorating your cakes and pastries with mints and gum. Short of hammering him over the head with a jumbo-sized toothbrush, what is there to do?
Obviously, if the dude thinks that the sun revolves around the earth, has a penchant for Michael Bay movies and/or movies prominently featuring Jason Stratham, or if the longest piece of writing he’s read in the past year happens to be a particularly engaging Facebook status, then bad breath won’t really make that much of a difference when deciding whether to dump him now, or whether to hop into the trusty Delorean and dump him five minutes ago. (Seriously. I wish I could order one of these on eBay right now. Could have saved me at least a combined two years of horrible, horrible dates.)
But what of the conscientious intellectual with model features, interesting career, ex-girlfriend firmly in the past, and a staggering lack of commitment issues? Bad breath isn’t enough to ignore the unicorn in your backyard, right?
I hate to say it, but even a smart guy with perfect hair, skin, and muscles will only go as far as his bacteria-laden mouth will let him, even and especially if he’s a great conversationalist (or kisser.) You can’t enjoy his ruminations on Foucault and Baudrillard, his witty, offbeat pop culture commentary, or his surprisingly adept analysis of the contemporary Western socioeconomic landscape if you have to stand fifteen feet away to bear it; similarly, if you’re compelled to hold your nose when he commences snogging (thereby risking asphyxiation and death), then you might have a bit of a problem. Not to mention it can be a bit difficult to snuggle wearing a gas mask (those things are rather heavy, it turns out.)
My suggestion: Find a guy that has all of the great qualities you like but still takes the trouble to care for his personal hygiene. It’ll take a bit of effort — You might have to travel the world, scale a mountain, or proposition a genie, but he’s out there, waiting and ready to embrace you with strong arms, willing heart, and minty fresh breath.
Do yourself a favor and ditch the unicorn. Really. Bad breath might not be the end of the world, but it’s certainly the end of this relationship. That’s a deal breaker, ladies.
About the Author: Sherri Moy is a freelance writer for MarriageMax.com. Marriage Fitness is an innovative step-by-step relationship-changing system that teaches you how to save your marriage. This is like a marriage retreat from home. It is a more effective alternative to marriage counseling. They offer free marriage therapy on their website.