How to Date With Confidence

3. It is important now to look at what you “Gain” from staying in the safety of the “freeze.” After all, you would not do it if there were some unconscious or conscious benefit. For example, “I feel safe,” ”I won’t get hurt,” “I won’t have to suffer rejection.” Make this list thorough, because it is the beliefs contained in this list that are the EXACT reasons why you “freeze,” and why, up until now, you have had no true desire to do something different. In fact, in many ways it can now become clear to you why you consistently choose to stay in the “safety” zone.

4. Last, you must be honest and determine what sacrifices and risks you will have to endure in order to get to the “Gains” list you made in Step 2 of this process. Detailing what it “costs” you to make the change is important, because it is in the thorough exploration of this list that you will decide if you are willing to endure the discomfort in order to experience the joy of relationship, intimacy and the joy of true partnership. If you choose to move forward to reach towards the gains you would enjoy from relationship, create strategies that allow you to open up, engage in moving forward, and continue to flirt WHILE minimizing the “Pain” of the new behavior. For example, if you were to continue to flirt, how could you manage your expectations so that you don’t interpret it as “rejection?” Or, how could you come to truly believe that getting hurt or disappointed won’t kill you; that it is merely part of the process of experiencing connection? Ultimately, it is ONLY choosing to move past the fear that will take you on the path towards finding partnership, love and connection.

More from YourTango: 5 Foolproof Ways to Get Out of the Friend Zone

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