Is Your Heart On The Line?


Is Your Heart On The Line?
A chapter from my latest memoir, Hearts on the Line

I told him that I felt that I was too mature to wear them anymore, especially not to the office. He then said I should wear them when I’m out on a date with Adolfo—without any panties on, and then inside the car, let Adolfo’s fingers do the walking....“That’s what I’d like to do....” He actually smirked in a way I remember boys in junior high reacting to a dirty joke. I felt like my stomach was full of worms. His talking like that to me really creeped me out. I walked as fast as I could back to the office. His long legs allowed him to keep up with me easily, and he said, “God bless you, Marla, and know that Jesus loves you,” and left.
So, now as I’m talking to him about the Beverly Hills fashion designers that truly impress the GDGDs willing to date him, my patience is as thin as a shadow. Since I’m a matchmaker, people always ask, “What do you think of Patti Stanger, the millionaire matchmaker on Bravo?” The woman is known for her crass, in-your- face attitude, yelling at her clients, and insulting them. I think she’s usually spot on with her advice, I answer, but I’d be fired immediately if I yelled at my clients like she does.
Today, however, I test the boundaries and let the Patti out a little. I’m already yelling into the receiver.
“Bob, LISTEN to me! I’m trying to HELP you. You’ve had NO success with any of the women I have matched you with. You’re going to be ALONE the rest of your life unless you change your APPROACH!”
“I have to be who I am, Marla,” he says.
I remind myself that I’m talking to a twelve-year-old in a man’s body. “I understand that God is important in your life, but you’re turning the girls OFF when you keep throwing in religious babble into your conversation on the FIRST phone call. And then—”
“Don’t interrupt. And THEN there’s your outgoing message on your voicemail? Just take off the ‘God bless, and know that Jesus loves you’ part, okay? I know that it shouldn’t, but it TURNS THE GIRLS OFF. They think you’re a religious FREAK or something.”
“But Marla, I want a woman with Jesus in her heart,” he explains in that now maddening little boy voice.
I have to calm down. “Listen Bob, I’m not judging you, but don’t you think it’s a bit—how shall I say this?—ODD that you want a woman with Jesus in her heart and TRIPLE D’S on her chest?” I’m still yelling, but he doesn’t seem to mind. “That’s just what I’m attracted to, Marla. God loves big-chested girls just as much as He loves you and me.”
Deep breath. Yelling at Bob will not change his freaky personality. No, this is a job for the big guns. I’m thinking Vienna with a team of shrinks working day and night on his mother issues combined with shock treatments and a partial lobotomy. And meds. Lotsa meds. My coaching will never get this guy to change his ways.
“Bob, think about what I said. I have to go; my other line is ringing. Let’s touch base next week.”
“God bless you, Marla, and know that Jesus loves you.”

Article contributed by

Marla Martenson


Marla Martenson, matchmaker & author of Diary of a Beverly Hills Matchmaker

Location: Los Angeles, CA
Credentials: Other
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