Is Your Heart On The Line?

Since we are at the end of the year, I thought we should have some fun. Here is a chapter from my latest memoir, Hearts on the Line.

boob jobs

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Client interviews are sacred. After marching out of Gary’s office, I have no prospective client interview set up. Claiming to have one is often my way of saying to Gary: leave me alone, or I can’t think of affirmations fast enough to stop me from throwing things at you.
Incoming email chimes, and it’s from my publisher, asking about the three chapters. I write back that they’re done, but I want to go over them one more time on my lunch break and will send them then.
So, back to the boob chase. I face the emails from clients, and the first one is from a man in his mid-sixties, a typical Mr. SoFBRG. (short, fat, bald, rich guy)

Marla,
I took Amy out for dinner. It was pleasant enough but let me say that it became quite comical. I’ve never met a more self- absorbed person. Not once did Amy ask one question about my life or me. It was Amy’s favorite music, Amy’s taste in movies, the classes Amy skipped in junior college...and silly stuff like that. Thus, I would like to meet someone a bit more mature in her outlook. Thanks.
Alex

Oh, you would, would you? Dear Mr. SoFBRG,
How shocking that a young woman almost thirty years your junior would not be as mature as you’d like. Since she’d be taking advantage of your AARP discounts on future dates with you, I personally think that she should be giving you her utmost attention and admiration. But, no worries. I’ll fix you right up with a GDGD, more mature by about five years, who has learned to suck up to wealthy men by acting like she gives a royal shit about the different golf courses you’ve played on.

Of course, even though honest and realistic, I don’t actually send this email. I expect ridiculous complaints from clients. It’s just that my inner demon is trying to break out of her cage again, and writing what I’d really like to say sort of pacifies her, much like a bag of stale marshmallows might keep a gorilla busy long enough for you to get your ass out of the enclosure.

Dear Alex,
Thank-you for the detailed feedback. Yes, these popular
and gorgeous young women can be a bit self-centered. I will work on another match ASAP. Please do let me know if you would consider being a bit more flexible on the age range. If you would be open to dating some of our beautiful women who are in their forties and fifties, you just might find their personalities to be more mature as well.
Best, Marla

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Like, duh. Yeesh.

Next: Here’s an email from my all-time favorite male client, Nate. A psychic told him someone whose name began with an M would help him find a soul mate, and shortly after that, he applied for membership. We’ve had such a fun relationship. I introduced him to a terrific woman and they were exclusive for over two years, but it recently fell through. I just matched him with a bubbly brunette named Marina and have my fingers crossed.