Spice Up Your Relationship


Spice Up Your Relationship
A humorous excerpt from Marla's latest memoir, Hearts on the Line, involving hot wax.

Does your relationship need some spicing up? It is always good to try something new, keep it fresh and exciting right? Well, I gave something a try that was veeery new for me. My husband loved it. Here is an excerpt from my latest memoir, Hearts on the Line.

I decide to take a cab because I plan on enjoying the cocktail Chantal mentioned.
I enter Tres Jolie Waxing Spa. The lobby is intimate and cozy, decorated with antiques. The walls are sponge-painted in a deep red-on-bordello-red. I check in with Brandy the receptionist and take a seat on the velvet loveseat. Loud music plays on the speakers, no doubt to cover up the screams of the clients. Chantal makes an entrance from the back. She is dressed as if for a party in a sexy black cocktail dress and candy-apple red high heels. Her blonde hair is pulled back in a chignon, showcasing her diamond stud earrings. We’re just here to party. Fun, fun, fun....
“Marla, cherié, bonjour, welcome. I am so ’appy zat you decide to come for zee waxeeng tres especiale” she purrs. “Would you like a cocktail?”
She returns with a pomegranate martini, and I settle back into the love seat and gulp it down.
A petite young woman named Chelsea who looks to be about twelve approaches. “Marla, are you ready?”
I frown. Actually, no. Merde! Why did I think this would be a good idea? Something to do with Adolfo. This thought makes me mad. Let’s see him come in here and get his pubes ripped out.
Chelsea eyes my empty glass. “Some of our first time clients enjoy a second cocktail?”
I point to myself with both index fingers and nod. She trots out another drink, which I sip slowly until I melt a bit. Do I still have toes? The song S & M by Rihanna blasts through the sound system. I’m just at a crazy Hollywood party. I’m soooo daring and wild. Hip, cool Marla.
“Ah,” Chelsea says. “That’s better. Ready?”
I drain my glass. “Mm-hmm.” My voice is surprisingly high-pitched. I follow her to a room down the hall. A table much like that in a
doctor’s office takes up most of the tiny room.
“Undress from the waist down, and here is a towel to put over
yourself. I’ll be right back.”
Towel? Okaaayy....I look at the little square of cloth, the last
pretense of privacy, the last shred of a barrier between my most vulnerable spot and torture.
Skeptic Christopher Hitchens, who writes for Vanity Fair, underwent things like water boarding—which he says is torture—and male waxing (“back, crack, and sack.”) He said the waxing was actually more painful than the water boarding.
Two minutes later Chelsea removes the towel. “Do you want me to take off everything or do you want to leave a little landing strip?”
“Oh, what the hell.”
“All off then? That’s great! You’re being so modern!”
I’m tempted to ask if her mother knows what her special
expertise is.

Article contributed by

Marla Martenson


Marla Martenson, matchmaker & author of Diary of a Beverly Hills Matchmaker

Location: Los Angeles, CA
Credentials: Other
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