Lipstick & Chocolate


Lipstick & Chocolate
A chapter from my memoir, Hearts on the Line, the elusive search for love in the city of angels.

Surely, I’m not getting cynical. Not Miss Law-of-Attraction Queen of Positive Energy me.
Tired and washed out.
Oh, no you don’t. Back off, you creepy little voices of self-doubt. I distract myself with work and open my e-mail. A note from my
current least favorite client has come in. Marla,
I hope you don’t plan on charging me for the two setups you have made so far this month—Penny and Lydia. Let me make it crystal clear for you, here’s what I want—a woman other men notice when she walks into a room. Even 5 pounds overweight is a deal killer. From now on, consider looks to be 95% of what I am looking for. And another thing, I can’t believe the level of flakiness I’m seeing in the women you are supposedly screening through your supposedly exclusive matchmaking service. The no-shows are a blow to the self-confidence where none should exist. I’m a good-looking guy who makes good money and drives a Porsche. I have a hell of a lot to offer a woman. So far, my renewal with Exclusive Personal Search has been a waste of money and has led to a lot of unnecessary and undeserved frustration.
I demand to see photos before I waste any more time on another date with an average-looking plump gal.
Uuuhhh ....
Clarence Rogers is on his fourth membership renewal and has only managed to interest a woman in a second date twice in all of that time despite his self-proclaimed good looks. Not enough fairy dust in the old wand to work that kind of magic though. Clarence is a well off contractor who worked his way up from blue-collar labor. On his best behavior, he makes watching plaster set seem interesting. But he’s hardly ever on his best behavior. Penny and Lydia both weigh under 110, yet he’s bitching. And he knows the rules about seeing pictures.

During my first three or four years working here at Double D, I would have furrowed my lightly Botoxed brow over this note, cringed, written back with meek diplomacy and obsessed over finding someone for him. After so many years on the job and my give-me-a-flippin’-break attitude, I confess I’ve gotten a bit snarky.

Dear Clarence,
I understand perfectly the type of women you are hoping to be matched up with, however, you must realize that along with exquisite beauty comes a certain amount of flakiness in this town. The 9s and 10s that you are set on meeting have a lot of options. These lovely creatures are dating the Colin Farrells, George Clooneys, and Jude Laws of the world, jetting off to exotic destinations, or lying by the pool at the Playboy mansion. You are competing with the big boys, so don’t take the flakiness too personally.
As to the photos, I’ve explained that most of our women don’t want their pictures circulated to strangers, but ultimately, this is the boss’s decision and policy. I refer you to Gary on the matter. I’ll have some names for you soon.
Sincerely, Marla

Article contributed by

Marla Martenson


Marla Martenson, matchmaker & author of Diary of a Beverly Hills Matchmaker

Location: Los Angeles, CA
Credentials: Other
Other Articles/News by Marla Martenson:

Are You Too Fat To Date A Millionaire?


I know, I know! I can already hear you. "Are you too fat to date a millionaire?...Did she really go there? Now before you send a lynch mob after me, hear me out.  Because if you are one of those gals that think you absolutely want to marry or begin dating a multi-millionaire, you might want to think again! Before I became a matchmaker, I ... Read more

So, What's The Secret To Happiness? Apparently, Staying Single.


As a matchmaker, I often get asked if married people are really happier than single people. When I hear this, I have the urge to grab my clients by the collar and scream, "Don't do it, man! Don't do it. Stay single!" Being married has its upside for sure, but getting married isn't a surefire secret answer to how to be happy. A lot of ... Read more

Swipe The Right Way to Quality Relationships with LinkedUp!


Online dating and dating apps are all the rage these days. Sit in a coffee shop long enough and you will observe that awkward preliminary meeting followed by obvious disappointment on the girl’s face when she realizes that her dream guy is not what his profile claims. What if you can eliminate the “catfishes” and see their real photo, know ... Read more

See More

My Videos
Most Popular