"Do you want kids?" I asked. "Sure I do," he said.
And with that, I was hooked.
Yes, I knew that he was divorced and had two children, but just knowing that he did want kids was to overcome the first hurdle of dating him.
However the first 6 months there were a lot more hurdles to overcome, which led to the relationship breaking down.
Having dated a divorced guy, I can speak from experience of what not to do and the mistakes to avoid if you do decide to go down this path with a divorced guy, especially if they have kids.
DATING MISTAKE 1: I ignored the signs of his opinion on kids.
TIP 1: Make sure you are both aligned to what you want. Even though he said he wanted kids, I could tell half way through our dating that things had changed, and I ignored the signs. He already had two children already and even though in the first instance he said he wanted to have another with me, I knew that he had started to change his mind 3 months in as I could sense it and I ignored the signs as I didnt want to face the consequences of that outcome.
Instead, confront your situation head on (if you want kids with a divorced guy) especially if he has children already. By putting more pressure on him, I pushed him away. To avoid adding pressure, make sure that you know that you are both on the same path.
DATING MISTAKE 2: I got involved when he was still raging a war against his ex.
TIP 2: Make sure that the divorced guy you are dating is over his ex and/or knows how to handle his emotions towards her. The challenge I had was that it felt like I was in a relationship with both of them. He would talk about her all the time. This would cause a lot of tension in him and would then be transferred into our relationship, which caused a lot of stress on both of us.
To avoid this, it's key that he is seeing a third party or that he has moved on so you can focus on having a good time.
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DATING MISTAKE 3: We moved into together too quickly.
TIP 3: Make sure you take things slowly. Figure out whether the divorced guy is the right person for you. Keep your options open.
By moving in together within the first month, we both took a lot on. I took on the new responsibility of not only getting used to living with him, but also being introduced to his children. In addition, he doubled his commuting time, which added more stress to the plate.
I believe that if we had taken our time, that things wouldnt have fallen apart so quickly as they did. We both needed time to adjust to our new roles, which we didnt do.
Remember dating is a time for fun not for seriousness!
DATING MISTAKE 4: Chose to be with someone who financially was in a very different situation to me.
TIP 4: Make sure that you are both in a financial situation that you can do fun stuff together. Because he was paying for his kids and didn't earn a huge pay check, this liimited what we could do with our time together. I really wanted to travel a lot more, so when I did travel, I would travel on my own as he had other financial commitments. If he did travel with me, I would willingly pay for him.
However, men being men, he wanted to pay and this would frustrate him, and also frustrate me that he couldn't. If our income and financial situations had been similar, we wouldn't have had this problem.
DATING MISTAKE 5: We spent very little quality time together.
TIP 5: Make sure you make time for the relationship when you are dating. I know this may sound really obvious, but you would be surprised at how "life" can get in the way. Especially if he has kids. This one was a big one for us both as he worked night shifts, making it challenging to see each other. Also, most weekends he wanted to see the children, which meant that there were weekends that we spent apart as I had other commitments.
It's normal that he prioritized the children. I wouldn't have expected anything less, but it definitely put a spanner in the works for us to just enjoy our time. Now if he doesn't have kids, then still be present to this situation as in our modern day life, spending quality time can be challenging.
Avoid these mistakes and you could be well on the way of having a great time and making it work for you.
To connect with me to find out more about how I can help you, I invite you to check out www.Divorceshift.com for my blogs and videos.