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It's one thing to change your mind, but it's another to know you never liked him in the first place.
By Marina Margulis — Written on Sep 01, 2015
"Cock Tease" — Urban Dictionary, defines the term as "a girl that leads a guy to believe she's going to have sex with him, then doesn't or pleases him to the point of almost [having an] orgasm and doesn't let him have it." The dictionary also provides a list of related terms: blue balls, cock block, skank, tramp — you get the picture!
I've hated that term since I first heard it as a teenager.
There was always something very angry and contemptuous toward women in it. Back then, every time I heard the term from a guy, I wanted to bash him over the head and scream, "You are just way too full of yourself to recognize that a girl is not into you. You assume she wants to sleep with you and then when she doesn't, you demean her by calling her a cock tease. While all that time, assurance of sex was just in your own head!"
Fast forward to a few weeks ago, as I was watching the latest installment of Big Brother.
In one particular scene, a girl is in bed with a guy and they're spooning under a blanket. He tickles her neck, as she giggles uncontrollably. Finally, as she turns her face to him, he goes in for a kiss; although the kiss is lukewarm, she does not pull away from it. In the next scene, the girl confesses to the audience that she is not into this guy ... at all ... not even a little. A few seconds later you see a video diary of the guy, who admits that the kiss was lukewarm, as well. Except, according to him it's because SHE is "shy!"
I wanted to throw something at the TV when I saw this go down. But hey, this is just TV, right? Women don't do that in actual real life. Or so I thought until ...
Only a few days after the Big Brother fiasco, a female client told me about a business trip she'd just returned from. While away, she met a guy at a casino bar, whom she recognized from the business event. She flirted with him and he spent the whole evening buying her drinks and casino chips — many, many casino chips! She then invited him to her car, where they proceeded to have a heavy make-out session.
I fully expected this story to end with them in her hotel room, when I said this, she suddenly declared: "Oh, no! Why? I didn't really like him!"
Wait! WHAT? Which part of that story indicated that she did not like him? Was it the number of drinks she "allowed" him to buy or inviting him to her car? This wasn't a case of: I liked him but changed my mind. This was a unapologetic case of: I never really liked him in the first place.
Ladies! Have your mothers never cautioned you about such behavior? Have your friends never warned you? Or, do you need a close call to realize that being labeled a "cock tease" as a result of such blatant deception is a bad, bad thing?
While I condemn all kind of aggression or violence toward women, NO MATTER WHAT ... I also condemn women's behavior that deliberately baits men and sometimes evokes a violent reaction.
Why do women do it? The most common thread I found in my practice is the idea that some women have the need to flirt in order to attract attention. They need a confidence booster. And what better way to elevate one's ego than manipulating a man who is lusting after you — even if you don't share his attraction.
Yes, I still hate the term "cock-tease." But just as much, I hate the behavior that warrants labeling women as such.
So while I'm contemplating a better term (how about "sex-tease" or "acraver," short for attention craver?), please contemplate the behavior that leads to such unfortunate consequences. Can't we just do without it?
In the meantime, if you can suggest a better term, I'm all ears.
Marina Margulis is a dating coach and matchmaker in New York City. To request her help, please send her an email at marina@nysocials.com.
