How Your Masculine And Feminine Energies Can Work Against You To Find Love

Photo: weheartit
Forget The "Masculine" And "Feminine" Rules: How To Find What Works
Love, Sex

We live in societies where we have norms and rules of what it means to behave as a 'man' or 'woman.'

When it comes to the dating world, there are many people who claim that in order to create sustainable thriving relationships, women and men have to understand the rules of the masculine and feminine.

While this has become a topic that seems to be clearly successful in dating advice for a prospective mate, this perspective has some dilemmas, which I'm going to address in this article.

First, let me clarify my point of view: as human beings, we consist of both masculine and feminine energies. However, too often, there's confusion on how to understand them as polarities instead of norms and rules that people are conditioned to follow in everyday life.

Second, I like to highlight the difference between what it means to talk about the masculine and feminine in dating as rules of behaviors instead of expressions of energies.

Finally, I'm going to outline how you can find out what works beyond the masculine and feminine and how to achieve it. 


RELATED: How To Create A Balance Of Masculine And Feminine Energy In Your Relationship


When trying to understand the masculine and feminine, what are we really talking about? 

As a human being, you have a biological sex. Sex is something that is given to you at birth, which defines you as a man or woman. Most women and men are also aligned with their biological sex. However, we know that some individuals are not.

In a broader perspective, we call them transgendered personalities, although they include different types of gender variant people. Some of them are individuals who, from a psychological and emotional point of view, are feeling out of alignment with their birth-given sex.

They make the choice to go through the often painful process that transforms their physical body into a more or less extent of the other sex.

Other transgendered personalities might be happy to be considered in gender-neutral terms and not being perceived as a man or woman.

Gender, as a term, refers to what it means to be socially constructed as a man or a woman. You find it all around you, starting with how your parents responded to you (depending if you were a little boy or girl), your upbringing with friends, community, what you consumed from the media and television, and so on. These are all getting us the picture of what it means to be a man or woman in the society we live in.

Therefore, gender is the understanding that we are not only a biology but also socially constructed as men or women. You might not even be aware of it since it started already when you were born.

Baby girls get pink clothes, baby boys gets blue or brown. As such, the process of gender creation is an inherited part of your upbringing, which formed your perception, attitudes, and ideas which most people do not question as an adult. 

In the dating world, we find that some experts argue for the importance of understanding the essence of biological differences between us as men and women. Others claim that the whole unconscious social construction of becoming a man or woman has blocked you from even being aware of this simple fact that you are all and everything, that you can be anyone.

We are also living in a world today, where we can all choose who we want to be. And to the extreme, if you are feeling out of alignment with your biology, medical technology is available for the right of choosing a sexual identity. 

We live in a society where we have norms and rules of what it means to behave as a man or woman. Such norms are further commercialized in advertisement and marketing. For instance, a "real woman" makes sure she has the latest fashion dresses, boosts her eyelashes, and makes sure her manicure and pedicure look perfect.

From marketing campaigns, we see how women become exploited as sexual objects and as such further oppressed becoming the object of men's attention. Women are supposed to "please" or be "owned" by men, a norm that, unfortunately, still exists in some countries and cultures where women's right are not protected.

The truth is, you are shaped by your social circumstances into how you understand your sex and gender, but also how you understand the 'other' — the opposite sex.

To quote Simone de Beauvoir, whose book The Second Sex became the founding inspiration for the feminist movement in the Western World: "One is not born, but rather becomes, a woman."

In Sweden, where I'm from, we are probably considered one of the most gender equal countries in the world. This is visible, for instance, if we take a look at certain marketing campaigns available and tolerated in other countries, campaigns that, in Sweden, have been criticized and the company stigmatized and taken to the Ombudsman of Discrimination for a public penalty.

In Sweden, we have implemented a gender-neutral term in our language. Individuals who are not aligned with being referred to as a man ("he") or woman ("she"), can claim their right to be called a "hen". Nevertheless, a time where individuals rights have encompassed the notion of "biological sexual essence", can, in fact, create new complications in our daily life.  

For instance, it can be difficult to remember not to announce and refer to an individual as a "hon" (she) when it is obviously apparent. Instead, you have to be able to catch yourself and refer the individual to a "hen", which is considered the gender-neutral term more and more frequently used also in public writing as a non-personal pro-nomen.

In the worst case situation, you might even end up as a case to the Ombudsman of Discrimination. That happened to one of my previous colleagues who, unfortunately, was taken out of business, as he claimed, due to the negative public impact in media.

I will leave this discussion here since the purpose is not to get into the depth of understanding gender neutral personalities and complications in our every day lives.

The point here is that that the rules of the masculine and feminine have to be understood, first of all, in the context of sex and gender that takes expressions in our daily lives as stereotypes about what it means to be a man or a woman.

Forget the rules. Think in term of energy, that is, if you want to create a hot relationship.

If we like to focus on the fact that we are all gender-neutral human beings instead of women and men, we have this friendliness amongst us. We are humans living in the universe.

As human beings, we can create communities. And there is this sense that we are all one.

But what happens in the relationship? Yes, we would have a partnership, but what about sexual attraction? Since the lack of sex is something that commonly leads to divorce, let us take this conversation into consideration.

My point of view is that understanding sexual energy is a necessity for attraction and sustainable relationships. When the attraction dies, the relationship usually dies. Even though it might take shorter or longer time for couples to come to this realization.

Therefore the question is: how do you create sexual attraction?

Well here is the thing. Imagine that in order to consciously create sexual attraction you have to understand sexual desires. What's turning you on?

In heterosexual coupling, this is something that is usually not explored, since it's taken for granted as intercourse and vaginal penetration. Therefore, not knowing what you want can lead to one thing, the ordinary, or the usual.

But imagine that it's within the exploration of what sexual attraction means and where you learn about the emotional feelings of the masculine and feminine — as energies. The masculine and feminine are the opposite sides of sexual energy. They are the yin and yang. And you need to have access to both in order to have a healthy balance.

That would mean understanding how to play with your masculine and feminine as energies in the way of creating a play of polarity that gives sexual attraction.

Think in terms of magnets. Two plus poles disconnected. The same happens with two minus poles. But the plus and minus connect. It's the same with understanding masculinity and femininity as expressions of sexual energy. 

With the masculine, we think of hard, driven, goal-oriented, strong, determined, and focused. In its essence, it's the cause that makes things happen. We all have access to this energy since it's a flavor of your sexual energy and expression. 

The feminine is all about softness, receptive, surrender, letting go, playfulness, and being in flow. The feminine is in this receptive energy has a totally different range of qualities compared to the masculine. Nothing that is better or more valued, it's just different.

We all have access to this feminine energy. However, it might be difficult to find and embrace in our daily lives since we are indeed living in a very masculine-oriented world. We are all both as men and women used to be the creators and cause that many things that we want to happen in our everyday lives.  

Think in terms of having a job. You are supposed to work hard. Fun is something you are supposed to have on your leisure time. If you do have a leisure time. If you are a woman with family you are probably busy with taking care of all others but yourself, your children and husband.

You are feeling stressed and might even suffer from lacking a great night of sleep. You have no desire for sex, simply because you are much too tired or because it just became another task to do.

This happens not because you want it to happen; it happens just because you didn't have the tools to create something else for yourself in your life.

Nobody taught you what it means to create hot, thriving relationships that feel sustainable. You have no previous experience and frame of reference of what it means to be in a relationship where you can feel the support from your partner along with being adored and cherished.

That's the reason why we have to take ourselves out of the roles of being a man and woman and start learning how to play with the energies of masculinity and femininity so we both, as men and women, can start to heal the wounded part of the relationship we have with our sex.

This is why I'm calling for a new model that actually works beyond the rule of the masculine and feminine. This is a model, I call, conscious love.

How do you create conscious love?

You first have to start with yourself. My point here is that since many men and women don't know themselves fully, they haven't healed their wounded masculine or feminine. As men and women, we have all been hurt in love. Unfortunately, this takes expressing the inability to truly trust and relate to the opposite sex again. 

That's the reason why you want to heal from inside out, in order to be able to attract the perfect match.

Therefore when experts talk about how you should behave in order to attract the right man or woman, you have to understand that their advice might have you ending up in a role play where you act upon the stereotypes of how we perceive a man or woman, instead of this is something that is coming from inside of you. 


RELATED: How To Identify, Heal, And Banish Your Deepest Shame


When you heal your relationship with your own sex, you heal the essence of who you are. In that, you are taking away the subconscious shames and fears that lie around your perception of sexuality. You learn to understand yourself from inside out and also find and tune in to your sexual desires.

In this situation, you are attracting partners that come to you as the next growth. Relationships become a gift where you learn something that will help you become a better person. Not a better man or woman but a better person.

And if you are in a relationship already, it becomes a chance to transform it into something that you would like to see for the future.

Conscious love is a new kind of concept that is based on your unconditional love to yourself, that gives respect not only to yourself but also to the people that come into your life so you can learn from them instead of judging, blaming, or ending up in a relationship where you become a victim.

It's about taking full responsibility, starting with yourself.

Healthy relationships start with yourself! 

And if you've developed a healthy relationship with yourself, you've healed the wounded part of your inner masculine or feminine...or the wounded child.

It's from this new awareness where you can create new, hot, and thriving relationships where the question of masculine and feminine becomes uninteresting, simply because you yourself are already aligned within with these energies. While balanced, you can express them both in a healthy way being conscious about your communication. 

In these relationships, you don't need someone that complements you, because you are all great with yourself. When you choose a partner it's because this partner brings out a better version of you.

It's not about becoming a better man or woman, although that might be the result of the relationship — it's about becoming a better person and seeing that the next growth happens in relationships.

Your partner becomes your guide into your inner work. This is taking your partnership and relationship to the next level. For me that is the truest expression of conscious love — a topic I further explored by interviewing conscious couples for my forthcoming book about what it means and takes to create conscious love.  


RELATED: 10 Simple Ways To Use The 'Law Of Attraction' To Find Your Soulmate


Maria Appelqvist a podcast host, author, teacher, coach, sexpert, and healer. You can also learn how to find your way to conscious love and full expression by asking for a free consultation with Maria.