How much did your family like you getting angry or crying when your feelings were hurt?
I was talking to one of the women I’m training to be a coach this morning. She is very talented in many areas of life and because of her childhood, has been unable to have the relationships or do the work that she wants to in the world. Over the years she has seen therapists and tried many forms of personal development programs in order that she fix and make some sense of the pain she so often feels.
Fortunately the YOU University Online program is having very positive results in her life. Although she had a very abusive and painful childhood, she has reached a place through the program where she has actually experienced some relief from the hatred she has felt for her adopted father since she was very young.
So how come she spent pretty much the whole day yesterday crying? How come she had to call me to get permission to cry? To know that it’s normal and healthy to cry when we are in pain?
Well, how supportive was your family of you expressing your anger or crying or saying you didn’t like something that was going on? Probably not very. Neither was hers. Neither was mine. I was supposed to be happy, well-behaved, immediately forgiving and forgetful of my mother’s rages and abusive criticism. So what did I do with all that abuse coming at me? What did I do with my anger at being treated like that? What did she do? What did you do?
Well, I have a theory that all those negative voices we hear in our head – the ones that say: “You aren’t doing it well enough.” “You aren’t pretty enough.” “You’ll never get the man you want.” “Look at you. You hair looks like s*^t!” “Cleaning the garage is much more important than laying on the couch crying!”
So what are your choices when your own head is f*@#ing you over? Well, you could do what you always do. Give in and have that candy or that cookie or that extra drink or take another pill. You could over-work, over-exercise. Or you could under-work or under exercise and keep sitting on the couch being the proverbial potato.
Or you could actually learn how to deal with your Mind F*@#s. You could learn to love yourself. You could treat yourself like you treat your best friend or your child. You could give yourself the love, understanding and forgiveness that might have been missing in your childhood.
It’s not an easy job to undo the effects of a difficult childhood but I am living proof that it’s doable and the coach trainee I mentioned above is well on her way to the life and relationship of her dreams. What are you doing to love yourself and ignore you Mind F*@#s today?