STEP 4: THE KEY COMPONENT OF HEALING: WITHOUT IT, YOU WILL TURN IN CIRCLES
Up to here we have painted the image of the unconscious mind, and how it is running our lives. Without this step 4, many of us are living a life of constant struggle, repeating the same patterns over and over again, without knowing why, and never really experiencing their true nature, which is love, peace, freedom, lightness.
What we truly are is what remains when we take away the fear-based mind, the one we have been talking about until here.
In step 4, the Healing Step, we free your psyche from trapped emotions and from conclusions/beliefs you created as a child.
A few notes before we go into the Healing Step:
1. Whatever your parents did to you, or failed to offer you, we are never blaming them. All we are interested in is you, as the child you were, and what you experienced then and could not express.
2. These repressed pockets of emotions are like land mines in your unconscious mind, and whenever you are in a situation which even remotely reminds you (unconsciously) of a past hurtful situation, you will act out your negative beliefs. You will withdraw, contract, defend yourself, and behave in ways which may not be helpful to you. This process is the cause of all the patterns we are repeating over and over again, in our relationships, with our finances, etc.
3. All this seems to have happened in the past, but in the psyche, time does not exist; everything is simultaneous. Whatever you put your awareness on is immediately present for your experience now. This is why we can heal anything, whether it happened forty years ago or yesterday, it’s the same.
In step 4, you get in touch with what you, or the child in you, you still feels hurt/angry/enraged about. We are now joining with the child you were, who felt completely alone back then. We are letting you know that now, you can relax, now you are being heard, now you can be completely understood, and you are not alone anymore. You are loved and safe now. This helps release the deep pain from your body/mind, the anger, the fear, the rage — whatever you may have been feeling "back then". At this point, you can allow yourself to completely feel the feelings, and let them go, because now you are safe; now you know what's going on. Now, you are not a victim any longer. Finally, you can release this burden you have been repressing all your life. Lots of energy is freed up here, as it is no longer used to pushing down these feelings.
During this emotional release, we find the specific beliefs you created in this situation. Those are most often things like ‘I am not good enough’; ‘I am bad’; ‘I am less than…’; ‘I am unwanted’…And then there are also judgments you created about others: ‘men I love leave me’; ‘people I love hurt me’…
The key component of Your Healing Way is this: Once you release the trapped along with the beliefs which you created in any given painful situation, we now speak to the child and let her/him know and realize that these beliefs are NOT TRUE. You are not unlovable, you are not ‘not good enough’, you never were! You just believed you were.
When your mother yelled at you, it did not mean you are bad, it meant she lost her temper because of her own unconscious beliefs—it was not caused by you, or meant for you, even though it looked like that to you. When your Dad did not show up for your birthday— even though he promised you—it did not mean you are unlovable, or uninteresting, or stupid, or a bad kid; it meant something about him —not you. Once you can clearly see this and let it sink in, you can then let go of the negative beliefs you burdened yourself with. You recognize they were all based on a misunderstanding in the child's mind!
In other words, the key component of healing involves the realization that the negative things you believe about yourself are not true, never were, never will be. It was the ego-centric mind of the child which believed that everything that hurt was your fault, and meant you did something wrong. This is the human condition, this is how the mind works. No human being can avoid that. And, as you see, it is not caused by external circumstances, but by erroneous interpretations of the child's perceptions. This is why we are never a victim of external circumstances; we are a biofeedback of our own thinking. Just think about that.
One of my clients who just went through step 4, expressed it that way:
"Something really big just shifted. I see that my whole life makes sense now. Before I thought I was evil and that there was something wrong with me. Now I see that it's because of these beliefs! OMG. Everything makes sense now. I never thought that was an issue (that her Dad had alcoholism). I now see he is an addict, and I can accept that. I feel really calm right now. I just found that thing that was eating at my life! Wow, what a miracle just happened!"
All our lives, we believe in untrue beliefs which basically dictate our life. They are the culprits which ruin our relationships, have us repeat situations of failure in our career, create physical illness, make us feel blocked, unhappy and depressed in our daily lives. These beliefs are the reason we feel we can't really go further, that we don't deserve it, or that it's not for us.
Imagine, these beliefs are not true, and that they are not you! They are merely like clouds, covering over the blue sky, which is what you truly are. You are an infinite being: an immortal spirit; you are not anything you believe.
Take for example your the child beliefs in monsters and the Santa Claus— there is no Santa Claus, and there is no monster. Knowing that these beliefs are made up by the child (the ego), and that it is now time to let them go is liberation!
In summary: It is not the actions of others which hurt you, it is the meaning you gave to these actions when they occurred. These interpretations then stay in your mind as unconscious negative self-talk. And these unconscious childhood beliefs are now more or less running your life. You may recognize at least one area of your life where you are still under the influence of such childhood beliefs. It most often plays out in how you feel about yourself, in your relationships, in your career, and/or in the body-image you have of yourself. To heal is to free yourself from trapped emotions and to recognize it was all a big misunderstanding. You really are like the blue sky: limitless, powerful, joyful and light.
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