Expert Blog Compelling advice, stories, and thought-provoking perspectives straight from YourTango's lineup of Experts to you

Why It's Okay for Men to Do Nothing, It Saves Marriages

Love, Heartbreak

Women get upset when they see their men sitting, watching TV, on the internet--but it's necessary.

Men's bodies need the time to sit and do nothing. If you knew why men need time to relax, then will it save your relationship? I think it just may. Equally important, women need time to nurture themselves and connect with other women. Read on for the science behind the phenomenon.

The stress-reducing hormone responsible for lowering your stress level is different depending on your gender. For men--the stress-reducing hormone is: TESTOSTERONE. For women--the stress-reducing hormone is: OXYTOCIN. The way we reduce our stress actually increases stress in the opposite sex.

So before you shut each-other out of the bedroom. The solution is to two-fold:

(1) Understand that your physiology is why you do some annoying things to the opposite sex. Research shows:

     --as a guy you are justified in sitting on the couch and doing nothing, and

     --as a woman you are justified in pampering yourself and getting together with your girls for a night out.

(2) Engage in stress-reducing activities on a daily basis to replenish your stress-reducing hormones.

Note: It takes longer for men to produce enough testosterone to counteract excess cortisol (a stress producing hormone), so ladies, give him time to basically sit and do nothing without getting upset or angry at this need.

What are stress reducing activities based on your sex?

Males: Typically falls into 1 of 2 categories--doing nothing or down-shifting into a less engaging activity.

  1. Sitting on the couch--men need to relax their muscles to replenish testosterone at a faster rate
  2. Puttering at a hobby
  3. Checking sports scores
  4. Reading articles or the news
  5. Taking a nap
  6. Playing sports

Females: To get more of the love and nurturing hormone, oxytocin, nuturing yourself and others without expectations tops the list.

  1. Taking a scented, candled, leisurely bubble bath.
  2. Giving yourself a facial or pedicure ($$-saver if you're strapped by the economy)
  3. Non-sexual touch (hugs, petting an animal, getting a masage)
  4. Doing a random act of kindess
  5. Enjoying quality time with your girlfriends catching up
  6. Dancing in a group--like Zumba!

As a Mars Venus coach I write extensively on this subject to help spread the word about gender differences in regards to stress, communicaiton, love, and sales. John Gray, Ph.D., has written over 16 books on these subjects--and they are quite fascinating! With a counseling background--I also strongly encourage learning new and exciting skills to spice up and keep your intimate relationships healthy. Inner awareness and being able to build trust and set boundaries with others are at the heart of how to be successful, healthy, and balanced in your career, and with your personal relationships.

There are many more activities for both men and women--can you think of any? My list is in the 100s. If you both take time to replenish your stress-reducing hormones...then you can give each other a boost in the bedroom together, without any anymosity or jealousy.

Author
Contributor

Explore YourTango