Part of finding more dates is getting right with yourself. If you're too busy listening to the conversations in your head, then chances are that opportunities are passing you by right and left. If you are stuck on past failed attempts, how can you be successful at talking to the person right in front of you? When you engage in these destructive behaviors, your relationships continue to suffer. Find a quiet place, and dedicate an hour or so to working through the following letter. Replace hurtful actions with ones that will keep you connected and in the present moment when you are on your dates or in your current relationship. Identify when you've used these listening blocks and destructive behaviors in the past. Empathize by putting yourself in the other person's shoes for what you said or did. Then, wipe the slate clean, apologize, and identify what you will do (i.e. a solution) the next time a similar occasion arises. You have the choice. /node/137189 Below is a template for writing an apology letter to yourself so that you can work through your fears. The first 12 are listening blocks and the last 13 are destructive behaviors to heal and re-focus on getting more of what you want: more dates so you can find someone that's compatible for you. Even in the healthiest of relationships, we have all caved into these undermining actions, whether it was due to stress, anxiety, boredom, or fear. Take a moment to forgive yourself and figure out a solution before you cave next time. Dear Self, 1. I apologize for comparing, such as when I ___________. Looking back, if I were on the receiving end of what I said, it would have made me feel ______________. I now understand my behavior was destructive, because it affected our relationship by ______________. In the future, I will instead do ______________. /node/140340 2. I apologize for rehearsing what I was going to say, instead of actively listening to what you had to say, such as when I ______________. Looking back, if I were on the receiving end of what I said, it would have made me feel ______________. I now understand my behavior was destructive, because it affected our relationship by ______________. In the future, I will instead do ______________. 3. I apologize for filtering, only paying attention to ____'s emotional state, such as when I ______________. Looking back, if I were on the receiving end of what I said, it would have made me feel ______________. I now understand my behavior was destructive, because it affected our relationship by ______________. In the future, I will instead do ______________. 4. I apologize for judging before I actually heard and evaluated the contents of the message, such as when I ___________. Looking back, if I were on the receiving end of what I said, it would have made me feel ______________. I now understand my behavior was destructive, because it affected our relationship by ______________. In the future, I will instead do ______________. /node/103956 5. I apologize for day-dreaming and losing track of the conversation, such as when I ___________. Looking back, if I were on the receiving end of what I said, it would have made me feel ______________. I now understand my behavior was destructive, because it affected our relationship by ______________. In the future, I will instead do ______________. 6. I apologize for identifying with what you're saying, busting into the conversation to relate when I had a similar experience. I neglected to hear or get to know ____ better, such as when I did this __________. Looking back, if I were on the receiving end of what I said, it would have made me feel ______________. I now understand my behavior was destructive, because it affected our relationship by ______________. In the future, I will instead do ______________. 7. I apologize for advising ____. I offered help and suggestions before I heard what was most important to them. I remember I did this when I _____. Looking back, if I were on the receiving end of what I said, it would have made me feel ______________. I now understand my behavior was destructive, because it affected our relationship by ______________. In the future, I will instead do ______________. /node/50671 8. I apologize for sparring—to debate and argue with people just to disagree. I recall doing this when I ___________. I apologize for using put-downs too, another form of sparring, such as when I ________. I apologize for discounting when other people give me compliments, this is another form of sparring, and I recall doing one time when I ________. Looking back, if I were on the receiving end of what I said, it would have made me feel ______________. I now understand my behavior was destructive, because it affected our relationship by ______________. In the future, I will instead do ______________. 9. I apologize for going to great lengths to be right (sometimes twisting facts, shouting, making excuses or accusations, calling up past sins). I did this when ____________. Looking back, if I were on the receiving end of what I said, it would have made me feel ______________. I now understand my behavior was destructive, because it affected our relationship by ______________. In the future, I will instead do ______________. /node/113036 10. I apologize for derailing the conversation when I was uncomfortable, such as when I ___________. I apologize for derailing the conversation when I was bored, such as when I ______________. Looking back, if I were on the receiving end of what I said, it would have made me feel ______________. I now understand my behavior was destructive, because it affected our relationship by ______________. In the future, I will instead do ______________. 11. I apologize for placating so people would like me, agreeing to everything, such as when I ______________. Looking back, if I were on the receiving end of what I said, it would have made me feel ______________. I now understand my behavior was destructive, because it affected our relationship by ______________. In the future, I will instead do ______________. /node/60159 12. I apologize for mind reading, such as when I ______________. Looking back, if I were on the receiving end of what I said, it would have made me feel ______________. I now understand my behavior was destructive, because it affected our relationship by ______________. In the future, I will instead do ______________. /node/130067 13. I apologize for bringing up several issues at a time, such as when I ____________. Looking back, if I were on the receiving end of what I said, it would have made me feel ______________. I now understand my behavior was destructive, because it affected our relationship by ______________. In the future, I will instead do ______________. 14. I apologize for changing the subject with counter accusations, such as when I did ______________. Looking back, if I were on the receiving end of what I said, it would have made me feel ______________. I now understand my behavior was destructive, because it affected our relationship by ______________. In the future, I will instead do ______________. 15. I apologize for analyzing the other person, such as when I __________. Looking back, if I were on the receiving end of what I said, it would have made me feel ______________. I now understand my behavior was destructive, because it affected our relationship by ______________. In the future, I will instead do ______________. 16. I apologize for suggesting that someone else is being unreasonable, such as when I ______________. Looking back, if I were on the receiving end of what I said, it would have made me feel ______________. I now understand my behavior was destructive, because it affected our relationship by ______________. In the future, I will instead do ______________. 17. I apologize for exaggerating, such as when I __________________. Looking back, if I were on the receiving end of what I said, it would have made me feel ______________. I now understand my behavior was destructive, because it affected our relationship by ______________. From now on, I will focus on the exact situation, rather than remembering all the other times. In the future, I will instead do ______________. 18. I apologize for keeping score, such as when I _______________. Looking back, if I were on the receiving end of what I said, it would have made me feel ______________. I now understand my behavior was destructive, because it affected our relationship by ______________. In the future, I will instead do ______________. /node/126477 19. I apologize for using sarcasm, such as when I ____________. Looking back, if I were on the receiving end of what I said, it would have made me feel ______________. I now understand my behavior was destructive, because it affected our relationship by ______________. In the future, I will instead do ______________. 20. I apologize for acting like a victim/martyr, such as when I __________. Looking back, if I were on the receiving end of what I said, it would have made me feel ______________. I now understand my behavior was destructive, because it affected our relationship by ______________. In the future, I will instead do ______________. /node/138077 21. I apologize for showing contempt, such as when I _________. Looking back, if I were on the receiving end of what I said, it would have made me feel ______________. I now understand my behavior was destructive, because it affected our relationship by ______________. In the future, I will instead do ______________. /node/138848 22. I apologize for stonewalling, such as when I _______________. Looking back, if I were on the receiving end of what I said, it would have made me feel ______________. I now understand my behavior was destructive, because it affected our relationship by ______________. In the future, I will instead do ______________. 23. I apologize for leaving the room before we were finished talking, such as when I ___________. Looking back, if I were on the receiving end of what I said, it would have made me feel ______________. I now understand my behavior was destructive, because it affected our relationship by ______________. In the future, I will instead do ______________. 24. I apologize for bringing up several issues at a time, such as when I ____________. Looking back, if I were on the receiving end of what I said, it would have made me feel ______________. I now understand my behavior was destructive, because it affected our relationship by ______________. In the future, I will instead do ______________. In the future if things get heated, I'll ask for time to cool down so we can resolve the conflict together. /node/140861 25. I apologize for saying "nothing's wrong," when ______________ was bothering me. Looking back, if I were on the receiving end of what I said, it would have made me feel ______________. I now understand my behavior was destructive, because it affected our relationship by ______________. In the future, I will instead do ______________. And, in the future if something is bothering me, I will tactfully approach someone and let them know two things: (1) why I am upset, and (2) a solution. If what I want to say will likely hurt someone, I will think carefully about whether to speak. I understand that even when I ask for something in a direct and respectful way, you may still choose to say no. Hearing "no" from you does not mean that you don't love me. It just simply means you don't want to do something. If I want to know whether someone likes or loves me, then I will be direct, and I will speak up. /node/144761 Love, Self And, if you find yourself struggling with finding solutions for healthier choices, then I'm more than happy to coach and teach life and resiliency skills to you. Life Coaching and Marriage Education empower you to seek out solutions and knowledge so you can do your relationships better—whether you're single looking for dates, dating , starting over , engaged or already married. It not only benefits your personal relationships, but your professional ones as well! To Read Great Sex Advice: The Best Sex Advice on YourTango
