Our biggest problem is that we are disconnected from our deepest desires. When it comes to choosing
Our biggest problem is that we are disconnected from our deepest desires. When it comes to choosing a romantic partner we often fall prey to a superficial image that we created in our head, and remain oblivious of the gentle whisper of our intuition that conveys the longing of our soul. How do we know he is “The One”? Is there any way to tell? Here are some practical steps you can take.
Develop sensitivity to your feeling
Get into a habit of paying attention to how people make you feel. This is something that gets obscured in a conversation. We are distracted by how the person looks, what they are saying, how we should respond, etc. We rarely notice our feeling. Stay tuned to your feeling when having a conversation with someone. This exercise will help you be more aware of the essence of your relationships.
When you are meeting a potential partner for the first time, instead of going through your list of required qualities, trying to decide which of the 20 items on the list he is a match to, quiet down your mind (if possible) and notice how he makes you feel. Uncomfortable? Intimidated? Intrigued? Easy and light? Safe? Feminine? Appreciated? At home?
Your soulmate will make you feel very comfortable to be with, feel at home. A soulmate is first and foremost -- a close friend, a partner, someone you connect with.
We often say that partners should have the same values. Well, you are not going to start a conversation with “What are your values?” It’s a difficult question to answer.
The good news is that if you feel connection with someone, it usually means the two of you have the same values and the same general outlook on life. That’s exactly why you feel comfortable with the person.
If you are drawn to a man, ask yourself: why? Our ego often pulls us towards people who have a halo of mystery, or present a challenge for us. Make sure none of these is the base of your attraction, or your relationship is doomed from the very beginning.
So, the feeling is your first litmus test.
What about compatibility and common interests?
So, you found someone you want to be with, you feel at home, you have connection. Are your personalities compatible? Does it matter? It does to a degree. It’s difficult to live together if one is a social butterfly and the other is a couch potato; or one is spontaneous, play-by-ear, and the other lives by the daily schedule.
It is difficult, especially in the beginning, but it also presents opportunities for growth and acceptance. Nothing helps us grow more than accepting the other person the way he is, without exceptions. I believe, if you love someone, you can adjust your habits and embrace a different way of looking at things, as long as you don’t have to sacrifice your values. Your partner owes you the same courtesy, of course. So, in the end you meet each other in the middle creating a new unique entity, the “WE” that you both will associate yourselves with.
And as far as common interests are concerned, that’s not a must at all. It’s nice to have something to do together, but it’s also nice to have a life apart from your partner, so that you come back to each other refreshed and re-energized. After all, your interests are not set in stone. Chances are you will discover something you love doing together as you go along.
No doubt, chemistry is important in a romantic relationship. If someone repels you physically, he is probably not suitable to be your life partner. But here is the thing about chemistry: it grows on you. When you know someone well, you don’t notice their features any more. When you speak to them, you relate to their inner being behind the face. Have you noticed that with people you are close to?
Also, it’s hard to imagine that someone you feel a close connection with, would be so repellent to you that he can’t be more than a friend. If that’s the case, I want to ask you: are you sure you are not driven by a mental image in your head instead of your heart?
Are you being a perfectionist? If so, try to relax that. Going after perfect looks will narrow your choices and pull your focus away from what’s important. Shift your focus to the person behind the face. Practice acceptance.