It's so hard to let go, but you have no other choice.
The following letter was sent in by a reader despairing over her recent breakup:
I want to know if it's time to move on and/or how to prevent myself from "stalking" someone on social media ...
About 2 months ago I had an argument with my boyfriend about him deleting me from some of his social media and always being negative toward me. I decided to tell him I think it's best we go our own ways for a while, and he just answered, "OK, if you say so." When I tried texting him the next day there was no reply.
Then I received a message a week later from a girl asking me questions about whether or not I was still in a relationship with him. It was so strange and made me feel really nervous. I asked why she wanted to know, and she said he'd been trying to talk to another girl she knows.
I called him right away and asked what was going on. He admitted he'd always wanted to talk to this new girl, and that the feelings he'd felt for me were dead. He got angry with me and wanted me to reply back to the girl, but I wouldn't do it. As soon he left he blocked me from everything, and I haven't talked to him since.
The next week he was seen driving a new girl around in his truck and my friends asked him about it, but he denied she was his girlfriend.
He hasn't posted any pictures with a new girl, but do you think they are talking?
I haven't seen anything and he has me blocked from everything and won't communicate with me. Do you think he's really moved on and they're just keeping their relationship private?
The sad thing about me is that I know all the mistakes he made in the way he treated me, but I can't forget him. What hurt me the most is that he promised to never leave me no matter what, and that he would love me no matter what, and then for him to just leave and talk to someone new ...
When your ex promised to never leave you and to love you no matter what, he may have meant it in that moment. But people and relationships change. Those words were said when he was a different person, under different circumstances.
After a breakup, it’s understandable for you to be consumed by what’s going on with him and this new girl. But none of that matters, because focusing on things that are out of your control takes your attention away from what really matters ...
A guy who really cares about you doesn’t treat you poorly.
He isn’t negative towards you, won’t let you go so easily, doesn’t go after another girl so soon, and doesn’t tell you his feelings for you are dead.
As Maya Angelou said, “When people show you who they are, believe them.”
His words, actions, and behaviors are showing you he has moved on.
So yes, it’s time for you to move on — but not only because he’s moved on. You should move on so you don’t continue to devalue yourself, and in the process, lose your self-worth. You’ll want to cut all ties to him, especially on social media, so you’re not tempted to look at what he’s doing. You should know you deserve to be with a high-quality guy — one who treats you well, thinks highly of you, and is respectful towards you.
Before getting back out there and finding someone else again, take some time for yourself. Don’t make the mistake like so many do to spite their ex by getting into a rebound relationship or having casual sex to feel better about themselves. Nothing great comes from a rebound, and that feel good moment only lasts for a short time before the emptiness sets in.
Instead, prepare yourself for amazing love by letting go of the negative energy from this breakup and resolving baggage from past relationships.
To know what your baggage is, look at unhealthy habits and patterns that repeat themselves in your interactions with guys and in your relationships. For instance, if guys you’ve been with tend to treat you poorly, what is it that you’re doing or how are you being that attracts them to you? Based on the answers, do the inner work to change that.
Also, take good care of yourself by doing things that soothe your soul. Spend time with people who care for you. Be in places that uplift you. Try new activities and things you’ve been wanting to do.
Find your happiness within. In doing so, you’ll be cultivating conditions that will inspire better men to show up.
If you find yourself thinking about your ex and feeling sad, it’s okay. It’s understandable to feel the way you do since there were good moments you shared. If you’re wishing you could be back together, chances are you’re basing that on only the good times you had. In those instances, gently nudge your attention back to the present and you’ll notice that things are actually okay. The more time you spend in the present moment, the more your sad feelings will dissipate.
If you start thinking, “If only I had done more ____________ or been more ______________," be kind to yourself.
You would never purposely choose to do things in a worse way. You’ve been doing the best you can, based on where you’re at, what you’re meant to learn, and the growth you’re meant to experience. What he did isn’t a reflection of who you are. It’s a reflection of who he is and the path he’s meant to take.
It’s true that time heals and helps you see the reality of your situation. By letting go, you give yourself the space for clarity, which helps you see things for what they are — not what you want them to be.
Have the courage and strength to move on.
This breakup is happening for your greater good. When you stay open to the lessons that come from this breakup, you learn and grow into your best self. This breakup has revealed the love you had is no longer meant to be.
The best thing you can do to honor what you once had is to let go with grace instead of trying to hold onto something that's no longer meant to be.
And in doing so, a space will open up for the love that's meant to be to come your way.
Having a hard time moving on from a past relationship? Here’s what to do.