29. They hate planning ahead because that means commitments.
30. Severe commitment phobics may have very little furniture, not own property or a car, as these represent commitment as well. To some buying a car can be as big a decision as deciding to get married - it can be all too much for them as they don’t want to feel stuck with anything.
31. They often don’t invite women to their home because of their peculiar living arrangements, but they have no desire to change their situation. Even if their home is comfortable it exudes the feeling that they want to be alone. It is not welcoming to the outside world.
32. They are often unreliable, late and sometimes they don’t turn up at all. They are like this with family and friends as well, although this is not the case in their working environment.
33. They are often unfaithful in relationships.
34. They can be overly committed to their work or to their children to avoid spending a lot of time with a woman.
35. Severe commitment phobics rarely lower their defences because they don’t want to get too close to a woman, or vice versa. If they do, they usually only give little pieces of their soul in well- planned installments, except if they are having an affair. Affairs are perfect for commitment phobics as they feel completely safe to disclose and to chase, as commitment is not an option while they are in another relationship.
36. If a man has been married he may void putting his divorce papers through as he can use this as an excuse to keep a woman at bay. This helps him to feel safe from the possibility of ever getting married again.
37. Behavioral inconsistencies are very noticeable with these men when they find themselves getting too close. They become argumentative and abusive, or they create distance. A lot of uncaring sabotage behaviors surface eg. working long hours, taking on extra projects, creating space, not ringing, being late, finding fault with the woman etc
38. They often choose to travel a lot for work, to play a lot of sport, or be involved in many projects to create distance.
39. These men know on some level that they are deceptive and cruel to women.
40. The word “forever” terrifies these men. Love doesn’t scare them; rather it is what love represents to them that scares them. This is due to their negative belief system about love and relationships.
41. They usually end up behaving worse and worse, and they sabotage more and more because they want the woman to end the relationship as they feel too anxious and guilty to do so.
42. Severe commitment phobics can also suffer from claustrophobia and/or a personality disorder.
How you handle a commitment phobic
1. Don’t rush into bed with these types of men (or any men for that matter), especially the ones who are very charming and pursue ardently, as they are the ones to be most wary of.
2. Take your time. Listen carefully to a man’s history and leave him as soon as you recognize the behaviors before you get involved and hurt.
3. If he tends to exclude you from other areas of his life the writing is on the wall - beware
4. If you get involved before seeing the behaviors, set the pace with this man. Don’t allow him to set the pace.
5. Act like you don’t need him - stay independent and non-wife like.
6. Realize your love and attention won’t change him but not needing him and giving him space might (that’s if he isn’t a severe case!)
7. Actions speak louder than words. Believe what he does, not what he says.
8. Don’t expect a close committed relationship – be prepared to take the relationship for what it is. These types of men are best treated as occasional lovers rather than potential partners. Don’t rely on having a relationship with them. If you do you will never feel emotionally safe or satisfied. You will be left confused, bewildered, angry and hurt.
9. Don’t cut yourself off from dating other men – keep your options open as it is highly likely he is not saving himself for you, nor can he ever give you what you want, need and deserve.
10. Don’t find excuses for his behavior.
11. Evaluate whether he wants to change and whether he is capable of changing - some men will fall into this category but most won’t. Also evaluate how patient you are.
12. Don’t think it was your fault when a commitment phobic relationship ends but learn form it. Make sure you don’t get involved with one of these types of men again. Watch carefully for the behaviors.
13. Take care of yourself first as there is a high chance this man won’t be there for you when you really need him, despite his sweet words when he is in the mood.
14. If you are continually attracting commitment phobics, you will need some coaching to get different results.
15. If you are in pain from a commitment phobic relationship you may need some coaching to heal and move forward.
What does a commitment phobic have to do to change?
1. He has to admit he has a problem.
2. He has to take responsibility for his behaviors toward women – that he leads them on and he behaves in an uncaring and cruel way.
3. He has to want to change.
4. He has to be prepared to seek help.
5. He has to look deep within to work out when and how his claustrophobic/commitment phobic symptoms started.
6. He will require coaching or cognitive behavioral therapy to change his negative, irrational thought patterns about love, commitment and relationships. He will also need to explore some of the faster healing therapies to heal, grow and change.
7. He needs some time out from relationships to reflect on his thinking patterns and behaviors.
8. He must develop his emotional and spiritual intelligence and become more aware. Personal and spiritual development courses raise awareness and consciousness and prevent us from sabotaging relationships. (Spiritual development is not about religion).
9. If he doesn’t want to change his behaviors he has to be honest and upfront to women when he first meets them. He must tell them he does not want a committed relationship - that he is only interested in a casual liaison with space and freedom, and not to expect any more. Then it is up to the woman to decide whether she wishes to spend time with him on those terms.