Healing Your Destructive Mother-Daughter Relationship

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Family, Heartbreak

The Mother-Daughter relationship affects every relationship you will ever have in your life.

This time of year is supposed to be filled with joy and peace but it can be one of the most traumatic times of year we face. I have experienced many disastrous Christmas’s that have ended in tears year after year so I know how you feel if this isn’t a happy time for you. But these past few years have been transformed into loving, joyous times and all because I decided that I would take that step to change me.

Did you know that the mother-daughter relationship is one of the most intense relationships you will ever experience?

This relationship is so powerful that it affects the interaction with your partner, your children, your friends and yourself. This incredible bond, which was once based on love, can turn to anger, resentment and guilt ruining your whole life.

Are you desperately trying to:

  • seek your mother’s approval,
  • strive for her acceptance, 
  • win her praise,
  • gain her acknowledgement 
  • yearn for that maternal warmth
  • crave her love only to be disappointed in every effort you make

and it just never comes?

With all of this trying and needing are you left:

  • angry
  • resentful
  • desperate
  • exhausted
  • with such low self-esteem
  • feeling worthless with utter guilt

which ends up affecting every area of your life?

For over 35 years I was desperately seeking my mother’s approval, her affection, her warmth and love. I tried everything possible only to be continually disappointed every time, diminishing my self-worth as I truly began to believe how useless I really was.

I was stunned, shocked and devastated to be told my mother didn’t love me and would never change so I had to make a choice, have nothing more to do with my mother OR I WOULD CHANGE MYSELF.

Unfortunately, subconscious traits from my mother reared their ugly heads through and affected the relationship between my eldest daughter, Charlotte and myself. I ended up controlling my daughter, the very thing I wanted to avoid, destroying any trust we had built up. I was devastated because this was the exact opposite of what I wanted.

How could this be?

 So history was repeating itself and I felt worse than ever. I had no idea what to do but I did the bravest thing I have ever done in my life….I asked for help.

And with the right help I embarked upon my own self-healing journey and totally alone I changed myself, I changed the perspective of my history without a single conversation with my mother. I released every negative emotion inside of me at such a cellular level that the change has been permanent.

The relationship with both my mother and Charlotte became peaceful and joyous; as I understood I didn’t need anything from either of them so today I am continually being filled with warmth, love and affection. 

The beauty of my life now is I ‘see’ things so differently, I ‘see’ mum as a tenacious, lively, helpful, loving woman who does a huge amount for her community – what happened to all of the anger, the deep resentment, the guilt and the hatred towards her?

I ‘see’ Charlotte as an amazing young woman, developing her own skills, becoming a loving and warm person who enjoys life. What happened to the resentment towards her, the needing to control her every move, the wanting her to love me in a certain way?

Here are a few tips to start your healing journey TODAY.

  1. STOP TRYING to - make things work, make things better, please your mother, say the ‘right’ things, ‘do’ the ‘right’ things as it doesn’t work. You may have been trying this for years and feel even more disappointed. 
  2. Have NO EXPECTATION from your mother – when you phone her do not expect her to respond in a certain way, do not expect her to be happy for you, hug you, cheer you on or be interested in anything you have to say. When you stop the expectation you also protect yourself from being disappointed.
  3. Understand that you DO NOT NEED anything from your mother – YOU ARE ENOUGH. You really do not need her affection, her praise, her validation, her approval or her love because you are enough.
  4. The HEALING is all about YOU. For perhaps the first time in your life put yourself first, which means taking time for you, meeting your needs, meeting your own expectations, making you feel good. You’ve probably even forgotten how to do this after all of these years.
  5. The healing process is one of acceptance of whom you are, letting go of the lack of need for your mother’s love in any form, re-writing the perspective of your past and finally the FORGIVENESS for both you and your mother.

We all deserve a life of peace and fulfillment – we all have a choice in life, will you be the one to make that change?

Louise Armstrong is a Family Relationship Coach helping people all over the world let go of the pain and hurt in their relationships to forming ones of love and peace. Contact her here to take that step; it could change your life!

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