You broke up for a reason, so move on to something better with these 7 straight-talk tips.
I feel really hurt, sad, and alone at the moment. I can't go a day without thinking about him. I just don't know what to do. I know I shouldn't do this, but I drive past his house to see if he is there.
I think about all the time we spent together. I thought we were happy; I just don't understand what went wrong. Why did we need to breakup? When I call his phone, he ignores me. I've even tried going to the same bar he does to get a chance to talk with him. I just want to understand what went wrong.
I don't think I will ever get over this. What do I do now?
1. Realize there is never a good time to break up with someone. I don't care if it is your career, a place you volunteer, or a boyfriend/girlfriend you are breaking up with; there is never a good time to break up with someone. You have that wrench in your stomach and your head is so negative that you are questioning your own mental health. You need to get out, so get out ... no matter what they threaten, say, or do.
2. Just DO IT.
There is nothing lonelier than loving someone who does not love you back. That really, really hurts. So understand if he broke up with you, he has a valid reason. It is not their responsibility to take you back or feel sorry for you because you cannot come to grips with the outcome.
So, do what you need to do until the pain goes away. Sleep with other men; just do it. Go on the rebound; just do it. Listen to "Jar of Broken Hearts" by Christina Perri constantly for months on end; just do it. P.S. that is what I did. Go off men for 2 years; just do it. Here is my point just move on.
Some people will read this and go, "What the hell? She told everyone to f*ck around with other people?" That is not very nice; what if they get hurt?
Yes that is true, but we are all responsible for ourselves. You cannot and will not hurt someone who is in the right place for love. That person will find your behavior repulsive. People ready for love don't get themselves mixed up in messy situations, or take on your "get over your ex pity party attractive;" they will simply ignore your little phase.
So, be kind, loving and forgiving of yourself. Sometimes we need to screw up in order to get it right. Everyone makes a mess of their lives at some point; be okay with it. Who wrote the rule book anyway? You're grieving and we all grieve in our own way, which brings me to my next point ...
3. It's all part of the process.
Sad, hurt, alone, and not knowing what to do with yourself is part of the process. We humans grieve all the time. We grieve change, we grieve when we lose a part of our identity, and we grieve when someone withdraws their love from us. Grief is not just about death; it's a normal cycle in a human experience. Understand what you are experiencing is normal.
4. Time heals all wounds and hurts.
Yes, I know what you're thinking: I already know this Lorna, but you haven't helped me. There is no right way to get over a break up, but understand it is just a life experience you are going through and it will pass. It is up to you when.
The main thing here is to understand that in your future relationships you cannot love someone fully if you are not open to experiencing pain. If we numb ourselves to pain, we numb ourselves to love. Why? Because you have shut yourself off to feel. If you can't feel, you can’t love.
My therapist at the time said to me, "I am delighted he broke your heart." My response was "WHAT?" And she said to me, "You can't experience love if you can't cope with pain." It is from that conversation I learned that pain is part of the journey towards love. Our goal in life is to understand and cope with pain and not to avoid it.
Keep an open heart. No walls!
5. He is ignoring you because he needs to.
If you've been texting, calling, the odd drive by his home is your "get over him phase," and it will pass. Usually several months after a breakup you will see the relationship differently than you do right now. You will see that he is not as amazing as you first thought. We always see relationships differently before, after and during. The cracks you've overlooked will start to show.
If he is ignoring you, it's because he needs to in order to get the message through to you—it is OVER. Respect his wishes and move on; your behavior is scaring him. Wanting someone back is needy and desperate, and you don't want to appear that way. Kick on with your good life.
6. Never get back with him ... EVER!
Nothing is ever gained from going backwards, so don't even consider it. You both will fall into the same cycle, repeat the same patterns and the same problems that caused the breakup in the first place. Don't buy the "I will change" line. Instead, take a look at what you did well, where you fell down in your new relationship, and grow so you meet a better man.
There is good in every negative experience, see it that way. You will never regret a breakup. Understand it happened for a reason and that the best is yet to come. Learn from the experience and think about what you would do differently next time.
7. Start getting happy.
The best revenge is to be a happier, bigger, and better you. Find the guy who wants you, find the guy who spoilts you rotten, find the guy you are excited about, find the guy who is stupid for you, find the guy you can't keep your hands off, and never ever settle for anything less. Go get him, baby.
Understand you will get over the breakup, realize this guy is not yours and the feelings you have right now will leave, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.
Remember to keep on moving.