5 Ways To Save Your Sex Life —When NOTHING Seems To Turn You On Anymore

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You don't have to feel like this forever!

Margaret wasn’t sure when it happened.

It must have come on gradually because she wasn’t aware of any drastic changes.

One day she noticed that she had not felt turned-on for quite some time.

Maybe she hadn’t noticed because she had not been feeling well, and before that she had so much going on at work, and of course, she had separated from her partner only 8 months ago. There were plenty of reasons not to notice the change.    

She was out with friends for dinner and the talk turned to the hot new professor was at work, but Margaret felt oddly detached from the conversation. Her friend Jennifer asked her why she was so quiet. That's when Margaret realized that she had no interest in anything to do with sex or hot men. She was only 50 years old.

This did not feel right. She confided in Jennifer the next day, and Jennifer suggested that she see someone for some help. "You are too young to feel nothing when it comes to sex," she said.

1 in 10 women in the US (more than 16 million women) suffers from loss of desire and/or a drop in their libido, where nothing turns them on.

That’s a huge number of women who feel completely detached from their bodies and sexual desire. 16% of men suffer from loss of libido which is again a huge number.

The causes for loss of libido sexual desire are wide and varied. They include hormonal deficiencies and changes, stress, medications, problems in relationships, depression, and sexual assault to name a few. 

Loss of libido causes depression in both men and women, relationship problems, and a decline in health. It can also be a secondary cause for stress incontinence as not using your pelvic floor muscles can lead to them becoming less toned.

Sometimes the reason nothing turns you on is internal. Sometimes nothing turns you on because you are not with a partner that inspires you with passion. 

If you are in a long-term relationship and feel you no longer find your partner attractive, consider some coaching before making drastic changes in the relationship, so you can thoroughly investigate the source(s) of your discontent.

Here are a few more examples of why people don't want sex. Perhaps one will resonate with you. If not, keep reading for a step-by-step guide for how to raise your libido. 

Jeff never knew what really turned him on. His earliest sexual experiences were lukewarm at best.

He always felt like he was going through the motions when he had sex with his girlfriend. He thought back to when they first met 10 years before and realized that he had never felt particularly turned on.

He didn’t think it was her fault. He just wasn’t a really sexual guy.

Maybe he was asexual? He wasn’t sure. But it was possible.

Asexual people don’t experience sexual attraction. Some asexual people do have sexual relationships but they don’t experience these relationships in the same way that people who are of other sexual orientations do.

They often feel sex is boring or dull or they can feel very confused about what others find interesting about sex or why they engage in sex. 

Gina was molested when she was 11 years old by a family member.

She suffered from PTSD and depression for years.  When she was 28, she underwent very successful therapy and no longer experienced symptoms of depression or PTSD. She met Jane and they began an intense romantic relationship.

There was only one problem area: Gina did not feel turned on and had no idea what would turn her on. Every time she experienced sexual feelings, her experiences of being molested were triggered.

Gina felt broken and told Jane that she should find someone else. Instead, Jane suggested that they have some coaching together. Gina came to see me for intensive coaching to build a healthy sexual life following sexual trauma.

We worked together for a week and then revisited our work three months later. Gina finally began to enjoy sex and learned what turned her on. She was no longer triggered and was happy to create a more committed relationship with Jane. 

If any of these situations seem to strike a chord, you may want to explore the possibilities in therapy or with a sex coach.

But if your problem is simply a low sex drive, here are 5 things you can do to increase your sex drive when nothing turns you on:

1. Have a full medical workup to rule out medical causes for your low libido.

yes, there are medical explanations for a low sex drive.

If causes are found, fix them. Make sure to look at vitamin deficiencies, sleep deprivation, depression, and other mental health issues as well as hormonal causes.   

Use caution with fixes that are solely based on taking medication, as these don’t always solve problems at all or if they do they don’t always solve them permanently. 

Consider sex therapy and/or sex coaching in addition to any drug treatment. Consider nutritional treatment as an additional treatment. 

2. Have sex even though you don’t feel like it.

Sometimes, the best way to get past a lack of desire is to start something sensual and see where it goes. Many people find that once they get started, they begin to enjoy themselves.

So even if you aren't in the mood to have sex, do it anyway.

3. Engage in sensual activities without progressing to sexual activity.

Give and receive a massage. Take a shower together. Have a meal together where you feed each other by hand. Cuddle while watching a movie.

Do the things that bring intimacy back into your relationship, with the idea that growing closer, emotionally and physically, might help ignite sexual feelings. 

4. Explore erotica alone or with a partner.

If you are exploring together, read aloud or read it separately and discuss what you each likes about it.

Not sure where to start, try this free erotica test.

5. Explore new sexual activities and venues alone or together.

Go to a strip club, a burlesque show, a swingers club or a fetish club if you haven’t done this before.

Bringing kink into your relationship is a great way to spice up your sex life.

There are so many options for how to get your sex drive back, you don't need to feel hopeless.

Hopefully this list can help your libido rebound, and keep in mind that there are lots of support professionals, from therapists to coaches to doctors, who are available to help. Because your sexual satisfaction IS important. 

Dr Lori Beth is a sex & intimacy coach and psychologist who works with individuals, couples and polyamorous groups to help them explore sexuality, recreate a healthy sexual identity after trauma as well as deepen their awareness and understanding about intimate relationships.  Join her for a free teleseminar on 23rd August : 4 Secrets for Arousing and Igniting Your Authentic Sexual Self and learn why millions of men and women suffer in silence from sexual dissatisfaction and how you can stop being one of them. 

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