How Independence Creates More Intimacy

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How Independence Creates More Intimacy
Beyond Forgiveness: How to develop relationships that can really keep you happy and satisfied

How do you know when you need to set boundaries, or when the ones you set are not being honored?
• When you feel stressed out dealing with someone,
• When you try to avoid dealing with them because you feel exhausted, frustrated, or sucked dry after the interaction,
• When you are sick and tired of a one-way relationship – they are always complaining, putting you down, or you are always “compromising” yourself,
• You might actually feel sad, depressed, angry, frustrated or anxiety-ridden before or after your interactions,
• You are feeling like a victim, or
• You feel like the other person is taking advantage of you.

People who are victims or into trauma drama often find themselves selling themselves short, not speaking up for themselves and blaming others for whatever happens as a result. Could this be you?

See if you recognize yourself in any of these 10 common reasons why people do not set boundaries:
1. You were taught or feel like your opinion is not that important.
2. FEAR of rejection and, ultimately, abandonment.
3. FEAR of confrontation.
4. Fear of hurting someone’s feelings or not being liked. 
5. You feel responsible for another person’s happiness
6. GUILT.
7. You were not taught healthy boundaries.
8. You learned that it was not ok to speak your truth or ask for what you want. You have to make a deal with yourself to give up those rules!
9. You believe it is selfish to place your demands on others.
10. Plan and simple, you have no idea how to set boundaries!

Once you identified why you do not set boundaries, you can decide to “feel the fear and do it anyway.”

You are now ready to set a boundary! Here are 5 helpful things to keep in mind when you are learning how to set a healthy boundary:

1. You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to the boundary you are setting. You are only responsible for communicating your boundary in a respectful manner. If it upset them, hold them big and know that they will figure out how to deal with it. 

2. At first, you might feel awkward, selfish, guilty, or embarrassed when you set a boundary. Do it anyway and tell yourself you have a right to self-care. Setting boundaries takes practice and determination. Don’t let anxiety, fear of losing the friendship, fear of hurting someone’s feelings or insulting them, or your own low self-esteem prevent you from taking care of yourself.

3. Lose your own victim mentality and learn to have more self-respect and self-esteem. When you feel anger or resentment or find yourself whining or complaining, you probably need to set a boundary. Listen to your gut, determine what you need to do or say, then communicate assertively.

4. Have patience. Learning to set healthy boundaries takes time. It is a process. Set them in your own time frame, not when someone else tells you that you need to do it. Realize that the person you are trying to set a boundary with might test you. Like a child, they want to know how far they can push you. Just re-affirm what you said and don’t get into an argument about it. Keep Reading...

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