Could I ever find the right guy and be an older bride? Do you want to move forward in relationships?
How did this happen?
I used to ask myself why I wasn’t married over and over. I used to remind myself that women are marrying older these days and it was OK. But it still didn’t feel OK. So here it is: my story, as I remember it of course.
Exploring my 20’s- let’s have fun and be miserable
Unless you’ve been through it, it’s a very strange feeling to watch most others marry while you become their bridesmaid a whopping 14 times! Join a sorority and that can happen. Now, there is nothing more fun than cramming yourself in a bridesmaid’s dress and being at everyone’s beck and call—sorry my friends…I really do love you all.
I felt like there was something out of sorts with me as I moved through my 20’s. Throw in lots of insecurity and a dash of yo-yo dieting and weight management issues, and we have a nice recipe for loneliness. I was out partying and playing and trying not to pay much attention to the fact that most of my friends were getting married. I just blocked it out for the most part and did my own thing. When it was in my face, I just got through it as best as I could.
Oh, there were boys and dates and boyfriends but nothing truly substantial, as there was no way my psyche was truly ready for all that. Easy come…easy go. Well, not always easy go as I deeply suffered my share of heart break. However, I was living in a world of surface with really very little substance (which pains me to admit).
I’m in my 30’s and it’s still OK that I’m single, right?
I really began to freak out in my 30’s about my love life but the process of self-exploration was in full- throttle mode. I had relationships but I really don’t remember most of them. I guess I just blocked them out or lumped them into the abyss. I do know this—they didn’t work out, and they didn’t end well.
I was also working through my career and beginning to understand more about trust, friendship, and change. I also learned first-hand about death and how real and deep it felt with the loss of my most precious lifelong supporter—my mom.
Getting in my own way
Everything changed after my mother died. I changed drastically! My mom’s death was the first major catastrophe of my life. It catapulted me forward as empathy, sympathy, openness, kindness, and awareness all began to come alive! Thank you, Mom. I am forever grateful and love you very much.
At the same time, guess what was still looming around… many of those good old insecurities.
Clearing the path
Here came another decade—my 40’s. Oh no, you have got to be kidding me. I still hadn’t figured it out. Was I still selecting the wrong men for myself? Oh, you bet! My favorites were the emotionally unavailable. However, I was starting to become more aware of what was happening.
I spent several years cut off from relationships due to a very bad ending of one of them early in the decade. I am, however, so thankful it happened. I learned so much about myself, and it was truly the first time I started to really be myself as a couple. My personality came alive and it was fun and energizing, yet filled with turmoil.
After 20 years of angst, the answers to my relationship woes were coming even more clearer. The build-up over the years must have been enough, as it was time—time for IT to happen.
Yes, the epiphany came into consciousness, a feeling that ran through me like none other. The best way to describe it is a fullness of life running through and within me that I never knew or felt before. Suddenly, relationships didn’t matter at all! I actually wasn’t saying it; I was feeling it! That’s a must because lip service will only get you so far.
My own life and living it to capacity was all that mattered. That was it, and there I was —me and only me. Believe me once it happens, you want it, and you must have it. It’s life altering!
So what happens next doesn’t really matter, as long as you trust that it’s the right thing at the right place at the right time. I just took life it as it came. The worry was over because I just couldn’t spend another moment giving a crap about anything except living a good life.
So—Did he ever show up? The “One?”
Of course he did. Better late than never. I am engaged to the most ethical, kind, warm, handsome guy ever. That’s what a clear mind and heart did for me.
Let your own journey unfold
So what about you? Is it time for you to breathe and have your own epiphany? If you say it is, then it is. You can be open and pick what works for you. I’m thrilled for you and your journey to unfold, allowing in whatever you choose, including the greatest guy in the world—if that’s what you want.