If I knew then what I know now I'd do a lot of things differently. Maybe you can learn from it.
- I wish I had known how spectacular females are, and then honored myself as one among them.
- Males love the company of females.
- The most important thing in a relationship is that HE really gets YOU and vice versa.
- Really getting someone requires only that each person pay close attention and listen deeply.
- Finding someone who really understands you, is like finding a gem in the ocean.
- Pursue a male, but gently without scaring him, or hurting yourself. A man is like a rare and delicate bird you wish to hold in hand.
- Your feelings are your true guides. Negative feelings tell you to slow down. Let the storm pass before reacting.
- Living alone is as valid as living with a life partner and can be equally wonderful.
- With the right attitude, meeting new, available men can result in unexpected gems.
- Life can retain its sparkle whether or not you meet “the one.”
- No NEED to stress or analyze because when you do find “the one," you will know, there’s nothing to think about!
The gem in the ocean:
If you were in the middle of the ocean hoping to find a rare gem, how would you go about it? Would you stand in one place and pray? Would you stand with outstretched arms hoping the one gem would fall into one of your palms? Would you swim wildly and hope to locate this one and only gem? Would you enjoy yourself in the water, ducking and diving, joyously experiencing your environment, confident that the gem will manifest if it is to be yours.
What a relief, to simply live life, enjoying the men you meet along the way, savoring every moment you can, without thinking it could be better if shared with someone else.
The truth is you are always with YOU, whether alone or not, anyway. We can only be with what is in our mind, that is the “reality” we experience. It is always a personal reality, uniquely your own. Even when with another.
True, you can’t really kiss yourself but it is possible to comfort yourself in other ways, for instance have you ever felt so bereft that you needed a hug? Try giving it to yourself. It is particularly effective in bed at night. A wonderfully comforting way to lull yourself to sleep.You can even have a conversation with yourself -- I’ll bet that you’ve done that already, on at least one occasion. Truly you are only limited by your own limiting thoughts.
When I was younger, I didn’t know what I had; a precious gift of one person’s life. Later in life, I spent time thinking about how much I wanted to share this moment or that moment with a significant other. I have spent more time in my adult life alone than with a significant other, but that truly does not matter. What matters most is the life you make for yourself, in your mind, in the moment.
Haven’t you experienced the feeling of being very lonely even when you were with another? We can feel alone when we’re with a partner and fulfilled when we’re alone, or vice versa -- it’s always coming from the self and the moment. We each have the power to change what we’re thinking. If you’re not having a nice time, change your thoughts, it’s as simple as that.
Couples can have all the love they want. All that is needed is to let go of negative thoughts about each other. Love and understanding is an inside job--love is within you, now. Love surfaces when you remove your judging, critical, blaming, and fault-finding style of thinking. When love surfaces, it manifests in you as generosity, gratitude, forgiveness, humor, and appreciation. Look for these positive feelings and your relationship will be just fine. ~Dr. Mark Howard
Dr. Howard is a friend and colleague; our work is based on the same philosophy of living. I too, am a relationship therapist. That’s right, a single, relationship therapist. I’ve heard there is a new sitcom about relationship coaches who are single. I teach others how to get what I know I could have if I could only find "the (right) one." Maybe part of my own inability to find "the one” is the fact that there are so many from which to choose, even in my "older" age category. Now, there are not only divorcees but widowers as well, ever increasing the stockpile of available men.
Sometimes the craving for a loved-one can get really strong, easily drowning everything else out, were I to let it. It could even drown out my passion for writing. I do my best not to allow that to happen. I know that I have to dismiss negative thoughts about it — as they will never bring me what I want.
Sometimes the gem that falls into your palm is not for keeps. It may come with an expiration date attached. At some point in my journey I realized that I can enjoy those gems, though I’d like to be alerted in advance to avoid disappointment.
So, here’s what I do with a new guy I meet who seems to have potential. I’ll be completely honest and straightforward, especially since most males are initially intent on the physical connection while the female's intent is on the emotional. I’ll ask the man to decide what course he’d like to take.
One course would be to let lust lead us willy nilly wherever it wants to go, with complete abandon and the recognition that it will be fun for the duration, but not my ideal way to begin a potential LTR. Here’s my reasoning -- I would want a LTR to begin with sensuality and a slow build to the crescendo. Once physical intimacy has been reached, there’s no turning back the clock.
However, if we spend initial time in the realm of desire and anticipation, it will become a pleasurable memory to which we can return for the next twenty years. It can be a place where we can journey together emotionally any time we choose, once physical intimacy loses its luster and we need a jumpstart.
Thus, whichever way he decides -- he’s the one in control and generally a male feels more comfortable that way -- it’s biological, a built in fact. And, it fully benefits me because then I know with whom I’m playing; a temporary let’s have some fun together kind of guy or a possible keeper. Then I can relax and get into the game, knowing what I can reasonably expect: no surprises, disappointment, or unspoken expectations.
My advice to you is: relax, enjoy life to the fullest, let go of negative thoughts (they are only thoughts, not facts) -- that will also make you more attractive to the opposite sex.
I would love to hear what YOU think.