Signs you’re leaking power – and how to get your mojo back!
Do you feel comfortable in your skin? Do you feel sexy and sassy? Do you feel like you swallowed a 1,000 watt light bulb and it’s shining out your eyes and skin?
If these aren’t your default settings most of the time, let’s start with the signs that you may be leaking your power. Which of these sound familiar?
- You don’t feel satisfied, successful, or beautiful, despite evidence to the contrary.
- You worry if your partner finds you attractive anymore.
- Exhaustion and overwhelm are your go-to emotional states.
- You aren’t fully aware of what rejuvenates you, or don’t feel like you deserve it yet.
- Doing the things you are “supposed” to do, expected to do or “should” do is infinitely easier than doing something for you.
- You feel if you were to express what you need, that would mean you are being needy (and no one wants to be needy, right?)
- If I were to ask you, “what brings you pleasure and joy?” you’d tell me you don’t have time.
- You believe you’ll get to enjoy things once you’ve worked hard enough and have earned them.
- You don’t know how to be “feminine,” or what that really means.
- Flow, what flow? Zone, what zone?
Let me introduce you to what I call the Pleasure Thermometer. This turns things around most dramatically for the women I work with, either through private coaching or my signature self-study course, Get S.A.S.S.Y.
Instead of measuring your body temperature, your Pleasure Thermometer measures how much pleasure you are experiencing in your daily life.
When you are full of what brings you pleasure, you glow. When you are full of what brings you pleasure (and enjoyment … same thing) you’re naturally comfortable in your skin and in touch with your authentic sensuality. When you are full of pleasure, you are full like a well, with plenty to go around.
Conversely, when you are ignoring your pleasure – when the number on your Pleasure Thermometer drops dramatically – you are running on empty, subsisting on fumes. You become like a black hole or an “emotional vampire,” sucking all the light and energy out of a room or the people in it.
Turns out that what men find most attractive in women isn’t big boobs or a thin, toned body. Those things are a nice bonus, but what really magnetizes you to him is when you are comfortable in her skin and with her sensuality.
Turns out that what has people say, “I’ll have what she’s having,” ala the diner scene in the movie, When Harry Met Sally, is your authentic glow.
Guess where your authentic femininity, a feeling of being in the “flow” of things, a natural fount of energy and focus and a grasp of your own beauty and value comes from? Being on intimate terms with your pleasure.
So what does your pleasure has to do with your power?
To define a few terms, when I speak of “pleasure” it doesn’t just mean sexual pleasure. Pleasure, as I mean it, includes sexual pleasure, but there’s room in it for lot of other forms of pleasure. Whatever makes you feel good. Whatever has you feel switched on, like a light switch, rather than off. Whatever revs your engine, floats your boat, or, as my dear friend Anastasia says, makes your naughty parts tingle.
Pleasure can be defined as a feeling of, or an event or activity from which one derives, satisfaction, enjoyment and gratification. Gratification comes from the same Latin root, as does the word, gratitude. The root, gratus, means pleasing and thankful.
For a moment with me, please bring to mind a feeling of something or someone you are on-your-knees grateful for. It might bring you to tears to think about this kind of authentic gratitude. Got it? Good.
Maybe you noticed then, that when you are experiencing real gratitude, you can’t fake it. You can’t pretend being moved. You either are or you aren’t. The same goes for pleasure.
Sure, you can fake an orgasm or express faux delight at a gift and your performance might fool someone else, but there’s no way to falsify pleasure in your own experience. You either feel it or you don’t.
When you are feeling pleasure, enjoyment or gratitude, you are automatically in touch with what authentically moves you, grooves you, and drives you. You touch for a moment, your truest self; I might say even your most loving, most alive self; the part of you that is most motivated by life and love, rather than fear.
So, back to the connection between power and pleasure. There are a lot of powerful people, who have tremendous power in the world and hold great sway over other people and probably feel pretty powerful themselves, who, I imagine, aren’t having a very pleasing, enjoyable or grateful time of it.
You can have power without pleasure.
But it comes with a price. When you do anything and it’s devoid of pleasure, your realest, juiciest, most radiant self doesn’t get a say.
There are side effects to seeking and experiencing power without pleasure. You can manage it for a while, but ultimately it’s unsustainable.
It is like when you eat foods that are devoid of real nutrition: the most vibrant, true you can’t shine through as easily. You get slugglish, dulled and dimmed. You get side effects, illnesses an depressions. Pleasure is like clean, nourishing food, appropriate for your body.
So, when you tap in your source of true pleasure and enjoyment, you also tap into your true power, power that is sustainable, clean, appropriate to your body and mind, without side effects.
Women are uniquely suited as conduits of the highest octane life-energy fuel there is. That most of us are cut off from it, running on empty and leaking our power is a shame of epic proportions.
Putting attention on what fills you up (a.k.a. what brings you pleasure) has you start to function like a well-oiled machine, if you will. Well-oiled machines are more powerful; they don’t grind to a halt from lack of lubrication. They do with grace, purpose and perhaps even poetry what they were made to do.
What a euphoric feeling – to do with grace, purpose and poetry, what you were made to do!
Relationships, opportunities, experiences and realizations can whiz right by you when you are postponing your pleasure and hence leaking your power. The right-fit relationships, the easeful opportunities, the satisfying experiences and the inspired opportunities are hard to spot when you are not in your true power.
What state you are making your decisions from, working from and creating from, matters. Whether you make a decision from your tank being on empty versus you feeling like the cat that got the cream because you are so full of vim and vigor, you’re bound to get a very different result.
Pleasure gets you access to broader and deeper wisdom. If you are not in dialogue with your pleasure, you’ll make decisions and take opportunities with only a fraction your heart, soul and body smarts.
How to use your pleasure as a thermometer, then? Try these three questions.
First, once a day or as it occurs to you, ask yourself, “What’s one thing that I can prioritize that brings me pleasure, joy or delight?
Bettina, a client who’s a lawyer in New York City, wears bright red underwear – or no underwear at all – to her important meetings. She constantly gets accolades from the big boys at the table, wondering how she gets wins so much of the time. She just smiles, knowing her little secret.
Then, you can also ask yourself, “What’s one pain-in-the-butt (read: NOT pleasurable) thing I can remove from my life?”
Kari, also a client in the Midwest, has learned to limit her time with her family to three days, not ten, because on day four she starts to hate herself and everyone at the dinner table.
And, lastly, for a pain-in-the-butt thing that you really have to do, you can ask yourself, “How can I make this more pleasurable for myself?”
I have a friend, Wendy, a high-end wedding photographer, who takes her taxes to a sumptuous tea house and sips on fragrant cups while she fills out forms and pours over Quickbooks. Deborah dons a bustier, wig, pearls and high heels, and blasts the tunes, when she cleans her bathroom.
Feel free to steal liberally, by the way.
And do take a moment to leave a comment, letting me know how this is landing for you. Like a ton of bricks? Light as a feather? Havinf a forehead-smacking moment? I-knew-this-already-and-here's-how-I've-been-using-my-Pleasure-Thermometer, LiYana? Lay it on me!
Plugging the leaks where your power was getting out, and recovering your confidence, your glow, your mojo and your magnetic attractiveness doesn’t have to take a lot of time, sweat or work. It just takes your Pleasure Thermometer.
When the inner nudge (or whallop upside your head) tells you it's time to reignite, redefine and redesign your relationship for the 21st Century, LiYana's serving up a healthy serving of some bold, fresh guidance to make it doable.
LiYana works with peak-performers and thought leaders who are rockin’ making the world a better place, but, quite frankly, their relationships are seriously rocky. She helps them transfer the excellence they bring to most areas of their lives onto their relationships, and trade up often a lifetime of painful patterns for partnerships that make them say, “are you kidding me? I can’t believe it’s really this good! And it just keeps getting better and better!”
LiYana maintains a private practice as a Relationship Coach, speaks nationally, lectures in corporations and colleges, has appeared on dozens of radio and TV shows, maintains her webiste and business, Love 3.0 (love3point0.com) (cuz 1.0 and 2.0 aren't working so well!) and writes for various blogs and magazines.