You can try saying it, texting it, emailing it, putting it on post-its, the bathroom mirror, sending a physical letter, putting a note in his briefcase or sock drawer, etc. This might be edgy, I know. I know there are real impasses and conflicts you need to address and deal with. Not now. Dealing with them and getting anywhere with them (rather than driving you both deeper into "stupid" fights) is not possible without this.
Maybe you feel discouraged by the extra effort appreciation will take? Maybe you feel like there is so much to clear up, how can you waste time with appreciation? Maybe you feel like he hasn't been appreciating you, so why should you appreciate him? Maybe you feel your bank account is on empty and you're not sure where you'll find the appreciation bone in your body. Maybe you are raring to go and curious?
Appreciation isn't the whole picture to building extraordinary relationships, but it is the foundation. Without the foundation, the relationship house crumbles. Good-will gets eroded. Tempers easily flare like a match on a dry forest floor. Resentment builds up. You feel like you are opponents, rather than allies. Why Do We Feel The Need To Argue?
You can't get the big, hard stuff that's not working to change with appreciation alone. However, appreciation changes the tenor of your relating, so that it's actually possible to work on and shift the big, hard stuff that's not working.
Need some signs you are on the right track by making deposits into his Appreciation Bank Account?
- His mood improves
- You notice a little light come on in him
- His chest puffs up a little
- He smiles or grunts
- More sex and higher quality sex!
- He starts to appreciate you, gets more thoughtful, and starts doing "little things" (that matter so much somehow!) for you
Alternately, you may not get any feedback for a while. Keep doing it anyway. His bank account might be really low, and he might wonder if you are for real or trying to get one over on him. Keep doing it anyway. It will pay off. When you practice appreciation authentically, those you are appreciating will rise in value and worth in your eyes. And a secret plus is that you'll also feel better.
Simply put, appreciation makes everyone feel at our best — men and women alike. When we are feeling at our best, our most highly prized values come tumbling out. We can't help but lavish our best selves on those around us, and that's a person who's compelling to be around — and to stay around.