The Happy Woman Quotient

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The Happy Woman Quotient
The All-Too-Often Missing Ingredient in an Extraordinary Relationship

Our cultural, societal, economic, emotional, medical, sensual – and many spiritual – belief systems are all prejudiced to reference the male as standard. We also live inside of a “top dog, bottom dog” paradigm. The top dog has the power, the bottom dog doesn’t; and power is defined by power over another. As many advances and liberations as women enjoy currently, we are still defaulted to “bottom dog” status in the hierarchy. Often, any straying from these standards is considered deviant.

So women, like other oppressed groups, have learned – as those considered to be deviants from the norm learn – that it is not necessarily safe to be as we are and that we are not fully welcomed as we are. We cannot have full power as we are. We have learned, however subtly or overtly, that since the playing field is not equal, the easiest option is then to lie, cheat and manipulate to make up for the unfair advantage in order to get what we want. We have also learned that what we want is not important; we have learned to bury what we want - or we attempt to not want at all. The result is a bunch of shut-down, cut-off and royally pissed-off women, swimming in a sea where we are constantly found wrong and bad; hungry, unhappy and depleted at most every level.

The remedy is simple. Fill up the women.

As I, along with my partner, practiced these simple, organic, generous philosophies, my heart and head blew wide open. Imagine: recognition of the anger I didn’t even realize I had; a system that saw me, appreciated me and invited me to do the same; and practical, actual tools to lead a fulfill-able life. I also began see all the ways I was doing a disservice to me and my relationships by focusing on what wasn’t working. Since that put my attention on what was wrong or bad, that’s what we both got more of.

Ever notice that when something's not working or it's wrong, focusing on it doesn't help; in fact it often makes it worse? There is an astounding universal law at play: you can’t focus on bad and expect it to get better, you’ve got to first focus on what's already OK, working or good. You've got to go from focusing on bad to focusing on OK, then from focusing on OK to focusing on good, and then focusing on good to have it all get better. If you want something to get worse, focus on how bad and wrong it is. If you want something to get better, focus on what's OK, what's good, and then it gets better -- and better. It’s just the way the progression goes, like a law of phsyics: bad --> OK --> good --> to better. No short-cuts.

When something is bad, wrong or painful, even though we want it to be better, we can’t skip the next step of OK. We say, "OK, it IS," not "it's OK the way it is." (Don't miss that distinction.) Saying OK means to cease resisting and denying the bad thing, to stop wishing it were different, and simply notice that it IS, whilst seeing it for what it IS. It is our resisting and denying that causes our suffering, not the pain of the bad thing itself.

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
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